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Kavanaugh’s Wildfire: The Rise of Sacred Anger

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Thanks to the recent Kavanaugh event, we have added more fuel onto the already spreading wildfire of outrage—a fierce call igniting within each of us an opportunity to look at how we perceive women’s bodies and sexual rights, along with the larger issue of human dignity.

This is an unprecedented time when the full spectrum of change and possibility is alive for each of us. Some of us are the rising storm itself, while some of us are the storm-riders, attempting to make sense of how we feel and how we can affect change in the climate of overwhelm and confusion. Thankfully, there are stages to this storm that we can map out and use to our advantage.

Three Stages of Transformational Storms

 

Stage One: Turning Righteous Anger into Sacred Anger

Before we get creative, we must feel what we feel or risk numbing out, or worse, deepening our own trauma and pain. Anger is a good sign. It means we are no longer willing to be frozen and numb. It means we are waking up to all the ways in which our own sovereignty as individuals has been overridden and disrespected.

The only trap to look out for is that of feeling righteous in our anger—where our own experience is viewed as more important than that of others, and where we, in turn, disrespect others through how we react to our challenges. This kind of anger can feel good after feeling helpless, and as it gathers momentum and power, it can move through a greater and greater number of us. Yet this kind of anger, like a wildfire, seeks only to obliterate whatever is in its way, no matter what the cost.

This is where sacred anger comes in—the clear, focused anger that’s the cornerstone of catalyzing a transformational and effective end result. When we harness the intensity of our rage with lucid clarity, mobilizing ourselves and others to create the change we believe is needed, we become powerful change agents.

So yes to our collective anger, and rather than wasting it through emulating the behavior of those who enrage us, we have the opportunity to rise together in sacred anger—a force more powerful than imaginable. It’s in service to the common good of everyone: one in which our sovereignty is seen, respected and heard.

Are you willing to let yourself feel anger and focus it into sacred anger?

Stage Two: Moving from Assumptions to Clarity

Rather than throwing tantrums kindled through assumptive reactions, we must put our genius to work and attain clarity. It enables us to create lasting change in which the choices of each individual within the greater collective are upheld and considered. We are not a one-size-fits-all world.

Assumptions can only take us so far, often at a great cost. By allowing ourselves to integrate our feelings with our capacity to use our intellect, we start to engage in the clarity needed for us to move forward with integrity.

This includes recognizing the essence of human dignity: that only WE can be the true authority of our own choices. We’re not children needing mother and father to patronize us into proper behavior.

Up until now, we have put conditions on our healing and reclamation, deferring our power to an external authority. Yet both the #MeToo movement and the recent Kavanaugh hearing have clearly shown that although conditions are not what we’d like them to be, we no longer buy into the idea that those conditions pre-determine the trajectory of our own lives. In other words, the full reclamation of our power isn’t dependent on any conditions, including the ones we are currently facing.

Are you willing to get curious, letting go of assumptions, to have a deeper look at issues through the lens of your own sovereignty?

Stage Three: Creative Action

Structures help us function better, however, when they shift towards tyranny, it’s natural to be ignited with sacred anger—anger that arises from noticing injustice and offering forward-moving solutions. It’s time for a structural upgrade.

As we address many large issues that impact humanity, and we work together to improve the conditions for all people, we are realizing that we cannot leave behind the issues that surround our body and sexuality. The dissolution of existing paradigms about sexuality makes the idea of sexual sovereignty an important one to consider.

Sexual sovereignty is a new possibility, one that will be fleshed out not by the few, but by the many. What would it look like to live in a world where each of us feels safe to be in our body, we enjoy our body, and we naturally take on the responsibilities of being a sexual being?

Establishing the profound respect for oneself naturally allows this same respect to flow outwardly to others. No longer can we stand for slavery, serfdom, the sex trade, and all manners of outdated ways in which we treat each other’s body and sexuality.

Kavanaugh’s recent rise to the Supreme Court need not predetermine the outcome for all American women. This is a unique opportunity to laser-focus the fire in our belly to moves into right action and to co-create a world where sexual sovereignty is established as a true human birthright.

Now’s the time to come deeper into our body, to let the rage flow through, leaving us crystal clear that what we stand for does matter and is worthy of our continued attention. We are setting a precedent for the future generations, one in which, against all odds, we come together in common purpose for the good of everyone. One in which we stand so fully in our power that we no longer regard men as our enemy, but are finally willing to invite them to stand with us as our allies.

Our sexuality isn’t a commodity, a weapon, a thing to be used. It is who we are. By learning to heal ourselves of our traumas and wounds, by taking a stand to fully abide in ourselves, by using our voices, sharing our stories, we become the change we desire and we open the invitation for others to do the same.

It is time for each of us to heal, to speak, and to contribute to creating more of what we’d love in the world. What is one thing you can do today to take creative action towards what you’d love?

To discover more about the impact of desire, explore Dr. Saida Désilets’ newest book, Desire: DesireTheBook.com

Gurus Aren’t Gods

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Sexual Abuse in the [Un]Conscious Sexuality Movement

More and more gurus are being called out for their sexual abuse and sexual misconduct.

This is not actually surprising. What is surprising, however, is that we are repeatedly surprised by this fact.

There’s something important about this behavior to point out because the most obvious path is to blame the gurus or men in positions of power and forget that it takes two to tango.

There are no victims here, not really.

Naiveté is no longer a free ticket to making bad choices and pointing our finger at our abuser.

If we are adult enough to make choices, especially around sexuality, then we are adult enough to be responsible for the outcome of our choices, even when we are unsure of ourselves or new at an endeavor.

I’d like to propose that there’s something else, other than just the obvious abuser/victim cycle, at work here.

However, before I dive into why hijacked desires are a detriment to all involved, I do want to take a moment to point out the obvious:

A Sexual Guru Isn’t Not A God, He/She is Human

There is a need for people to learn about their sexuality and sexual energy. It’s part of our erotic evolution to seek out teachers and guides in this area, yet there are no real standards in place for these teachers/teachings.

Somehow, for many decades (if not longer) no one has ever questioned the authority of these sexual guru figures.

Or if someone did question them, their voice was never translated for the rest of us to benefit from.

Personally, I started my journey with a wide open heart and a deep desire to learn the arts of conscious sexuality. As a young woman, I viewed advanced Taoist and Tantric practitioners with a sort of reverence reserved for the gods of ancient Greece.

Very quickly, however, I got to see how ‘unconscious’ the conscious sexuality movement actually was:

Story 1: Men surrounding me at a Tantra evening, calling me a Goddess and saying all sorts of ‘formula’ phrases designed to make my female ego throb with desire. All it did was freak me out. And worse, they would NOT let me out of their circle. I had to force myself out between two bodies and literally run away. So much for being adored as a ‘Goddess’.

Story 2: My first teacher seduced me with ideas of ‘higher teachings and special initiations’. Because of my need to be seen and feel special, I bought into his ideas. They involved having sex with him. It was pretty lame sex and I never felt the promised ‘orgasm that takes me to God’. To be honest, I felt more with my own hand in the quiet of the night.

Story 3: As a teacher myself, I was confronted, over and over again, by mothers whose daughters had fallen for the ‘sex teacher’. When I approached the founders and leaders of my community, I was told that I didn’t understand because I was married!!! What?! I retorted that even as a single woman teaching the work, I had never looked to my students for my sexual and relational needs, so why would male teachers be exempt of this? Are we not here to serve our students to learn, grow, and evolve? Obviously not, it’s more like having easy access to a lot of willing sexual partners.

The list odd stories is endless.

I’m sure this has been going on for as long as there have been sexuality teachers. What’s surprising is how few of us seem to go into these communities armed with this knowledge.

I’ll tell you why this is so:

  1. We have our own agendas that we want met. We are blind to what is obvious and see only our own projections rather than the truth.
  2. Living by ideals and not reality. We all have a fantasy of the perfect situation, with the perfect teacher, and the perfect outcome, but the truth is that this is rarely the case and we’d be served to notice the truth of a situation instead of insisting on pushing our ideals.
  3. We assume that anything ‘Eastern’ is holy and impeccable. This is absolutely ridiculous. Humans are humans. They have needs. If we cannot see this, then we are intentionally sticking our heads in the sand.
  4. Young women are especially vulnerable. We are resolving our daddy issues, we want to be special and unique, we want to be Goddesses (especially sex Goddesses), we believe that we need a teacher to unlock our potential, and so forth. You get the picture. We do not teach young people about the right to say what happens with their bodies—what I call Sexual Sovereignty. Because of this, they simply don’t know any better and with that comes risk.
  5. Drive-Thru Sexuality Practices. This is at the crux of most of the issues in this industry. What is known and out there is actually of very poor quality. It has been left unchallenged for far too long and diluted more and more as the information gets shared wider and wider. The truth of the practices is that they have long been exchanged as an excuse to resolve sexual tension and insecurities.

Fairly early on in my journey, it became very clear to me that the information that was available as ‘alternative or conscious’ sexuality practices was more of a joke.  Many times were led by sexual predators and/or sexual addicts.

A large number of people seek alternative sexuality education as a way to initiate their own sexual healing. Some of these individuals teach. In truth, they decided that they were qualified to lead and teach, yet have only managed to grow their neurotic relationship with sexuality and propagate more trauma.

This issue is compounded by ‘hijacked’ desires.

We want what we want no matter the cost,
even the cost of our own integrity

The desire to evolve sexually is honest and real.

The desire to do this no matter what the cost, is BS.

We live in a world that has made a currency out of our sexuality for so long we’ve no clue what it actually means to be a sexual being.

Add sexual repression and layers of dissatisfaction and sexual shame, and we have the perfect climate for an unconscious ‘conscious sexuality’ movement.

Transforming Lead To Gold – Awakening Consciousness
In the Conscious Sexuality Movement

Judging something to be right or wrong only serves to separate ourselves further from it, but it doesn’t actually make the issue go away. This means that instead of judging people and their choices, practitioner or participant, we’d be better off learning from what we are witnessing and using that learning to create deeper, more meaningful experiences.

If we want to actually contribute to bringing more consciousness into sexuality, then we need to hone our discernment while we ditch our judgements.

Discernment is the ability to see the truth and to act in alignment with it without having to make something good/bad or right/wrong. Discernment empowers aligned action, which deepens our self-trust and personal impeccability.

Seven Crucial Aspects of Transformation

  1. We get to own that we desire to grow sexually and sensually. This is a true and honest calling.
  2. We get to also own that we feel incomplete and that we are seeking something or someone to reassure us that we are okay.
  3. To speak out, to question, to challenge authority is crucial, especially in the field of sexuality. Although this can lead to being ostracized, shunned, we must be willing to risk ‘not being liked or approved of’ if we are to take a stand for our own sexual sovereignty.
  4. We must understand that there are literally ZERO standards in the [un]conscious sexuality movement and that we must exercise discernment to the utmost degree.
  5. If you want to know the truth of a teacher, look at their life: How do they live? Are they single or partnered? If they are in a relationship, is it successful? [Many people have a public persona, but what happens when no one is looking is a different matter all together.] Do they have their own method or are they proposing they are following a lineage? How long have they practiced? Who did they learn from, and more importantly, how did they take the information and embody it? Do they believe you need them to grow and evolve? Are they insisting on teaching you through having sex with you? (FYI: The most inadequate teachers require this form of contact. Very high level practitioners would never request this of you NOR would they need such an exchange to transmit their understanding of the deeper wisdom to you).
  6. Have you already experienced abuse? If you have, where are you in your reclamation of your sovereign space? You have the right to feel all the feelings you are moving through, there’s no need to be anything other than who you are in this moment and to learn from what happened so that you are able to choose differently in the future.
  7. Call out those who are out of integrity. It’s important not to collude with the group. If something is off inside the group or with the leader of the group, call them on it. It will not feel nice to do this, but it’s worse to stay silent. If you aren’t ready to do this for yourself, then do it in defense of others.

A New Paradigm For Sexuality

Sexuality isn’t just the act of sex, or more specifically, the act of intercourse.

For more than two decades, I’ve been inviting people to consider the idea that they are sexual beings, not sexual ‘doings’ and inviting them to explore what that means for them personally. This idea can be profoundly challenging as it goes against the ideals and assumptions of society, yet it’s worthy of contemplation.

Being able to define something for ourselves is also invaluable on this journey along with the ability to understand that we were born erotically intact and intelligent.

We are standing at a crucial moment in human history and evolution, a moment where we no longer can afford to be unconscious, where we must ‘grow up’ emotionally and sexually and from this new vantage point, create the world we’d love to live in.

Gurus, old ideals, and ongoing, recurring human behavior are being upgraded, whether we partake willingly or not. Either way, through choice or pain, we will grow. How we go through this growth phase is determined by the choices each of us makes in the micro-moments of life.

It’s time to put sexuality in its rightful place: a natural, sovereign, integral part of being a human being.

This birthright comes with responsibilities. If we want deeper, more intense and alive sexuality, then we must equally be willing to take greater and more thorough responsibility for our choices—from birth control to saying yes or no—and owning the consequences of those choices as a sexually sovereign adult.

If this article speaks to you, we’d love to hear your thoughts (feel free to leave them in the comments below) and have you share it with your community. Come over to TheDaringProject.com  to deepen the discussion and we’ll gift you a free 30-day trial.

Are you prepared for your client's #MeToo Story?

Your Client’s #MeToo Story – Are You Prepared?

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With the rise and empowerment of women’s voices comes a shadow: the emergence of pain, anger, fear, confusion and numbness.

Our clients trust us. Implicitly. Therefore it’s natural that we may be the first place where their voice comes forward. How prepared are we for this vulnerable and edgy conversation?

As a professional who is dedicated to the full transformation of our clients, we are in an incredible position to assist women through this powerful time, yet few feel equipped and/or comfortable at having these important, yet intensely edgy conversations.

How we handle these stories will keep a woman in her trauma cycle or will create a pattern interruption that will support her to find her own way through her reclamation journey.

No Psycho-Sexual Training

Although many ​are not qualified to take ​a woman ​on this reclamation journey, we can still be their first responders. How we handle those first few moments are crucial to the success of this reclamation journey; so we want to keep in mind that at the heart of this issue is trust: broken trust, that is.

When trauma of this nature has occurred, ​a ​woman no longer trusts her own relationship with
​her body, never mind other people. This is why it’s so crucial ​she begin​s​ with ​her own body.

Few have methodologies that assist this specifically, however, we can gently inspire a woman to contemplate this idea: her fastest path to wholeness is through returning to herself and her body.

That said, there are a few things we are all capable of offering. Here are three simple, yet potent concepts can we take to impeccably show up for our clients without contributing to the trauma:

1. We transform through who we are, not what we say. This first concept is about doing our own inner work around our pain, grief, anger and confusion. Who we are impacts more than anything we could ever say, this is why our ‘felt-state’, who we are deep inside, has such profound impact on our clients.

The more we can allow ourselves to feel these states and choose to love ourselves no matter how ugly these states may be, the more powerful we demonstrate this possibility through our presence (this happens through a powerful process known as limbic re-imprinting).

2. We are powerful, they are powerful. The second concept is more of a definition that we take on as truth. In situations where there’s been victimization, it’s easy to collude with the pain and forget that there’s a powerful person going through a painful experience.

By taking on that you are powerful, and therefore, your clients are powerful, allows them to get a feel for this, perhaps even for the first time. They literally get a sense that ‘they have this’, even if it will be a challenging time – they have what it takes to experience full reclamation.

3. Our greatest wound is our greatest source of power. This third concept is a recognition, a deeper inner knowing. If, as a person, you have not yet come to this realization, it is a worthy contemplation. When this becomes TRUE for you, you’ll be able to hold this as an honest possibility for your clients. This is one of the most powerful ideas in shifting from trauma to thriving.

To be prepared, to be willing to go where few have gone, is the reason our clients trust us and open up to us. Although these conversations can be scary, we can relax in knowing that we’re listening with the knowledge that she’s powerful, that healing is possible, and that sometimes just having someone listen without trying to rescue or fix can be just as powerful, if not more so, than any fancy technique.
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To learn more about how to support your clients through these conversations, join my FREE TRAINING ​for Women Professionals… ​3 Life-Transforming Ways To Support Your Clients Post #MeToo

Delicious Tip: Transform Self-Loathing and Envy

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Hello Gorgeous!
​​
Did you know that your perception of others, your judgments of others, is actually a reflection of how you see yourself?

​​​This months delicious tip explores how to transform our self-loathing and envy of others into more self-delight and self-love.

​I know this can be a sensitive subject, yet there is nothing more liberating than transforming the heaviness of self-criticism into the invigorating inspiration of self-recognition.

And the best part? I use a playful game to do this… no seriousness here!

If this video​ inspired you​, ​​ ​please share it and leave me your insights in the comments section.

​In the spirit of deep self-love,

saida_signiture