Why do so many of us believe (& behave like) our desire and our pleasure is not something of great value?
After 2.5 decades of hearing women’s stories, it’s become clear to me that we’ve been led astray and that it’s vital we come back into right relationship to our female bodies, especially if we have any negative views or experiences with menopause.
In our society at large, there is a general sense of sexual ageism, as though turn-on, orgasm and pleasure are things for the youth.
To make matters worse, we are actually funding a multi-billion dollar industry that profits off our insecurities and belief that menopause is a ‘disease’ that should be addressed both with prescriptions and surgery.
How did this happen and what can we do now?
There are many factors at play here, including how we are socialized as little girls and young women, but for the scope of this article, I’m only highlighting three points:
- First of all, the advent of birth control enabled women to experience new found sexual liberation in ways never previously possible. However, just because we could have more sex, doesn’t mean that it was great sex.
- Then there’s the argument of Vaginal vs. clitoral orgasms, as if we need to choose one over the other and ignore the full spectrum of our erotic range.
- To add fuel to our growing fire, some ‘unknown’ age limit was placed on sex, as though it has an expiry date.
So lack of skill, confusion about pleasure, and fear of aging has left us in quite a quandary. One that leaves us giving up on our pleasure rather than rebelliously investigating our untapped erotic potential.
All biological creatures have a simple program: expanding towards that which feels good and contracting away from that which feels bad. This is also true for humans, except that we can consciously choose to investigate things that feel bad and move towards them. That said, it is still not conducive to move into pleasure when our systems are in fight or flight. Furthermore, generally our modern lifestyle is stress, stress, and more stress along with an eternally growing to-do list that we use to keep ourselves from feeling the complete range of our sensitive, wild, emotional and sensual selves.
Our sexual education warns us about the dangers of STIs and pregnancy, ignoring the crucial part about understanding our own pleasure and sensuality. Fast forward many decades of putting everyone else’s needs first on top of layers of self-criticism, heartache and loneliness, and we have the perfect formula to ‘shut down’.
Menopause, unlike popular consent, is not an end. It is an invitation, a second chance, to claim our sexual sovereignty, once and for all.
3 Radical Steps to Sage-ing Gracefully:
1. Rebel. Rebel. Rebel. Do not believe what you hear and read, just because it’s common as an idea doesn’t mean it’s the truth. Question everything you believe about yourself, desire, and sexuality.
2. Desire can’t die, but she does hibernate. To wake up our desire is to say YES to life, YES to living, YES to enjoying all of our remaining moments. It means understanding that life is precious and that the pure act of breathing alone is a gift. And when we connect with ourselves and life consciously, an entire new world of beauty and abundance offers itself up to us. Be willing to let yourself DARE to desire because what you yearn for matters.
3. If you don’t use it, you lose it. Even if you are in a sexless marriage, that’s not an excuse to let yourself dry out and atrophy. Our pelvic floor and hormonal well-being requires attention. Doing simple self-care practices on a daily basis can rejuvenate our genitals and rekindle our pleasure pathways. Pleasure is not optional. When we feel good, we are healthier. When we have regular orgasms, alone or with another, we are less depressed and more naturally joyful and creative.
Just because our current society doesn’t value or support the sexual maturity process doesn’t mean we can’t choose to do so for ourselves.
Tending to our hearts and bodies is like tending a beautiful garden. Regular care means light work and the enjoyment of great beauty. If we abandon our garden, it’s much harder to get things flourishing again. It is possible, but it will take loving determination.
If you have said you are too old, too fat, too skinny, too this or too that, it’s time to bust free from these limited ways of perceiving yourself and time to delight in the cultivation of a gourmet relationship with yourself and your amazingly alive and intelligent body.
To learn more on the truth of menopause as well as gain simple practices to support your life-long libido and vitality, check out my Sexy Menopause training where Dr. Wickman, a luminary Ob-Gyn and myself share the best of our wisdom to support you to enjoy your power stage of life!
We live in a culture that reveres our wounds, where we hand out victim badges as though these claims hold the key to our wholeness.
In fact, when it comes to women and transforming the challenges we face, there exists a full range of approaches, techniques, modalities and ideals with the intention of ‘female empowerment’.
Each one more powerful than the next.
Or are they?
Having been part of this industry for 2 decades, I’ve observed that for the most part, professionals are doing more harm than good.
While we argue amongst each other as to which modality is superior and more effective and work on our theories and ideals, we fail to bridge our wisdom to the living experience of real women who are facing a large variety of challenges.
I’ve come to see that all of our theories and techniques are fundamentally based in the principle called the ‘functional model’. This means that in order to get to “this” result, we must do “that”. We treat ourselves and others from a mechanical perspective, and yes, this also inclusive of philosophies and psychological methods.
And is especially true when it comes to inspiring women to heal, claim and live their sexual sovereignty.
Sexuality and sensuality are still very much discussed through the functional lens.
Recently, when I spoke with my colleague Dr. Wickman at AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Councilors, and Therapists), I was honored to sit in many presentations. As much as I loved the theories and methodologies, something became screamingly clear:
We’ve all forgotten that women (people) have an erotic intelligence.
This forgetfulness is harmful because it means that we are overriding this ErQ through the ideals and techniques we use in the spirit of empowerment.
Yet by forgetting this foundational principle, we do more harm than good.
We continue to propagate the idea that women are broken and need to be fixed.
That somehow if women only received X therapy or did Y technique, they would be cured forever.
But we could not be further from the truth.
Women are powerful and innately intelligent.
They are not broken, no matter what they have faced, and therefore, never need to be fixed.
As professionals, we don’t actually have all the answers, women do. Their bodies know.
Our sole job is to embody what we wish to impart to others and to remind women of their inborn intelligence.
It’s this embodied presence that has the most profound transformation—limbic reimprinting is a very real and powerful part of holding space for another’s journey into wholeness.
If we are truly dedicated to women and their sovereignty, then we must learn how to incorporate respect of women’s ErQ and to trust it and help women connect with, no matter how far away they believe themselves to be from living shameless, integrated, and fulfilling lives.
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Do you have non-negotiables?
Or do you constantly bargain away what is most valuable to your core in exchange for love and/or sex?
In this short Video, we will look at what our non-negotiables are and why they are essential to creating and maintaining healthy, thriving, delicious relationships!
If you enjoyed this video and have insights into your own non-negotiables, please be sure to leave me your comments below so we can continue delving deeper into this discussion.
Remember to like and share this video if you found it helpful!