Do You Control & Divert Your Turn-On?
Do you believe you need to do something about your turn-on?
Whether it’s taking “sexual action” or “shutting down”?
What happens when you ache with desire? Guilt? Discomfort? Delight? Nothing?
How we relate to our turn-on reveals how deeply enmeshed we are with our ‘domestication’ as women.
Let me share a recent, intriguing experience I had with my hair-stylist.
She’s young, gorgeous, and brimming with new sexual wisdom that she gleaned from having partly read a book on Tantra & Chakras.
In her desire to help me live a better life, she suggested that I should “sublimate my turn-on” [to sublimate is to control or divert] so that my sexual energy could become spiritual energy.
I was intrigued, for many reasons, as you can imagine [she doesn’t know what I do for living].
I love my turn-on.
I love to feel intensely turned-on to the point of aching.
Why?
Because it feels delicious. And it means that I’m deeply alive.
I also love my essential nature, the deeper wisdom of my own Spirit.
I’ve never considered my own sexuality or ‘aliveness’ separate from my ‘essence’ or Spirit.
I’ve always thought: if spirituality is ‘omni-present’ would it not be inclusive of all things? Infusing it’s brilliance right down into my deepest sexuality?
Why then, would I then intentionally divert my ‘turn-on’ (the physical experience of being LIT UP WITH LIFE)?
Beneath her words of wisdom, lies a few underlying assumptions that also seem to permeate our modern-day Neo-Spiritual movement:
- Sexuality isn’t Spiritual.
- Feeling turned-on, we risk making ‘out-of-control’ choices.
- It’s better to be “seen as” a spiritual woman, rather than a sexual one.
Too many of us walk around either repressing our ‘turn-on’ or ‘relieving the sexual tension’ that emerges with being turned-on, the second it arises.
I personally love the middle road…
Where I get to fully enjoy and be responsible for my turn-on.
Where I get to choose if and when to express it and with whom.
Predominantly, I’m more intrigued with sexual tension than sexual release.
Not because I don’t absolutely love meeting God through epic pleasure, but because it’s the electrical pulsation of the ‘tension’ that fascinates me.
However, the issue here is not only the adverse affects of domestication on our capacity to be conscious in our arousal, but also the pressure we experience in attempting to make sense of the sexually polarized world we live in.
On one hand, we condone fast release, where most examples of sexuality come from Media and Porn, imprinting our instinctual minds with “Quick, Hard, & Intense” sex.
Where our heart is often over-ridden.
Where our need for release is greater than the need to feel and see who we actually are with.
Then, on the other hand, we equally portray repression, whether it be for religious reasons or simply due to having low self-esteem, both preventing us from being natural with our turn-on.
It’s “Bad, Dirty, Evil, Wrong”.
Or simply inconvenient or non-existent.
Our very lifestyle burns out our inner fire.
Yet the middle road, the choiceless choice, is neither reactionary or deadened.
It’s simply our naturalness.
Our turn-on tells us we are alive.
It moves us towards life.
By respecting it and enjoying it, we can expand our capacity to experience this electrical charge for longer and longer periods of time.
And when we choose, we have the resources to create powerful, transformational and rejuvenating sexual experiences, whether we are alone or partnered.
Perhaps a better question to ask ourselves about our “turn-on” is:
Do I project my desire onto another and dis-own it?
Or do I become obsessed with what I believe is ‘externally’ responsible for my desire?
And… do I use shame, on myself or others, as a way to ensure ‘proper’ behavior?
Your desire is your own.
Claim it.
Own it.
Love it.
Be it. You’re alive. Right now. So make the most of feeling deeply lit-up.
If owning your turn-on and being responsible with it intrigues you, I’d recommend starting with my book, the Emergence of the Sensual Woman.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, so feel free to leave your comments below.
After eavesdropping on my parents conversation about my newly arrived ” Moon” at an early age I distinctly remember feeling as if my vagina was, ” a weapon of mass destruction and a superhero at the same time!”….. as I listened to their conversation. During the dialogue,my father had appointed my mother to be on guard of my vagina… an overseer of my shugga bowl as my grandmother would call it and from that day I decided that my sexuality was my own and no one would control it. That being said, I love wearing sensual gowns and I love looking at myself in the mirror because I get completely turned on all by myself and it’s so exciting and fun!
Hi… I’m guessing your name isn’t Mike? What an interesting childhood! Magical.
It is short for Ifafunmike, it is pronounced (mekay)
Magical….yass!
Hello, Saida
Thank you for a beautiful piece. 🙂 I have struggled with my turn on much of my life, misunderstanding the wisdom and the truth it presented to me about my life and my understanding of myself and those around me. Even in recent times, I had been unwilling to share my turn on with my boyfriend even though some of it is unavoidably shared just because I get so happy. It lights me up to splash in puddles like a gleeful three year old, and the only way to hide that it to not splash and that’s no fun! Still, there were some things I was afraid to express because I felt so inappropriate, things that I labeled “bad” and “wrong”. I have finally told him my heart and shared those things that fill me with such aching desire that they can bring me to tears, and with great love, he has encouraged me to chase these things, and told me that he is willing to help me, in any way he can, to embrace and enjoy whatever turns me on. With this great love and warmth and strength at my back and his arms around me, I move forward with courage. I look into myself, seek God’s truth, and begin to see with wonder what it means and tastes and feels like to be an expressed, sexually vibrant woman. It’s EVER so much fun! The world needs more women who are alive and like being that way! Thank you so much for being a beautiful shining example 🙂
Jocelyn, your words brought tears to my eyes… tears of joy! I love to feel you so alive, moving forward with the strength of your man and his love holding you. Beautiful.
So what I need to be reading right now. Thank you. I struggle with the turn on. It gets so intense for me that it becomes uncomfortable: my own turn on is uncomfortable. I want it to be life force giving to me and not a projection onto the outside person but something gets shut down around feelings of desire for me. It’s a battle of shutting it down and not being able to validate it at the same time as the turn on energy becoming overwhelming and feeling like it’s too big for me to handle. I have no idea if the other person experiences it also! So I edge towards it within myself, and edge towards the other person heavily disguising my turn on in case- oh my god!- I get “found” out;) Painful.
Beautiful Abi, I feel you. And I’m delighted you are willing to explore another possibility about your own turn-on, that it is indeed revealing to you how attuned and alive your body really is, that it is yours to own and delight in (whether or not another person shares the moment with you), and that every time you feel that intensely alive, to affirm “YES! More of this please!” Imagine a world where we actually enjoyed and celebrated feeling good?
Wow. I need to read more on this topic as I relate so much to this. this is so needed for women and men to create beautiful sexual history. I can only grasp and dream about this new way of relating to sex and a turn on. All those filters and walls build up. I want to see my self and my man in a new light. In a light of honor , respect but also with an open window to the unexpected and unknown. Let the magic become real.
Thank you Sophie for sharing your inspiration! Yes to this become the new way of life.
Love following your writing, it gives such a relief from the domestication that I have experinced. It helps support me in my journey of finding what is true for me and enjoying the pleasure in my sexuality. Thank you for sharing.
Fantastic Kira! I love that you are part of this tribe!
Hi Siada,
What a beautiful post I to have felt ashamed by my turn on. I am a massage therapist and in an effort to keep my clients safe and have good boundaries I have shut my turn on off. After reading your book, working with the Jade Egg and this post. I am realizing they are not mutually exclusive. Much Love to you.
Ahhh… I understand! I used to do massage for a living… AND I understand that most adults never get touched and when they do it most often is when it’s leading to sex, so it’s hard for people to receive nurturing and sensual touch without sexualizing the experience. I would tell them their turn-on is theirs, to enjoy it and take it as a sign that they are healthy and alive and that they were safe because I would never, ever do anything about that. It was very healing for them and it they would unavoidably be able to surrender more fully and enjoy the experience more completely.
Thank you for this article Saida! I completely relate. I’ve never been one to downplay my turn on, but have had accommodating moments with it which has led to less of an orgasm or suppression of that internal fire. Being 39 years old I feel I’m just beginning to truly live authentically in my turn on, in my desires.
Yay Charmaine! Here’s to your wildness emerging.
Beautiful Saida! For most of my life I felt ashamed and private about my turn ons. Feeling God would punish me for touching myself…even giving it up for lent! Craziness . Moving into my 40’s and now mid 50’s I’m a more turned on woman and loving every minute! I’m not ashamed about how I feel and everything I do in my day is with turned on juices and and emotions and , YES, orgasm in every sense of the word! I feel connected to myself in ways that I would love to teach every other woman what they have been missing! Your book and the Jade egg practice has been a confirming part to the way I am. Please keep up the videos and articles and YES write another book!!
LOL Lydia! WOW! thank you for your passion and enthusiasm and for coming forward with your amazing experience of becoming a sensually integrated and expressed woman.
Great. So important to sit with this. I really love turning on the perception that it’s my turn on. Even if I am aroused by outside sources, it’s my turn on and deliciousness to enjoy. I do not need to rely or obsess as you said in an external source. I love being turned on and do feel truly alive, awake and healthier with it flowing through me. You are mentioned excitement can be a form of something else (like opposite of fear and not a true core calm peaceful place – did that make sense? As it can often make me temporarily happy, playful but also very adrenaliney) so I’m wondering about being turned on, thoroughly enjoying it for myself and it being nourishing – not adrenaliney. Can you speak to that? I’m asking the universe and body to be complete and healthy in aroused states.
Hmmmm… I don’t experience my turn-on as ‘adrenaline-y’ as you put it 😉 And it does make sense, as though there is underlying anxiety that comes with the tension (and excitement!). As you know, I’m a firm believer of relaxed arousal… how fully can I allow myself to feel turned on and RELAX into it? How deeply can I breathe, how fully can I let the intensity penetrate the depths of my body and being? And, sometimes, how deliciously can I make love to myself? Keep practicing relaxing into your turn-on, notice HOW you are experiencing it and play with that state of being… if you don’t like the feeling of being ‘overly-excited’, do deeper… breathe, open, melt, dance, sign, moan, play… expand, expand, expand! You are in charge of how you show up. 🙂
Saida,
This is a wonderful article. I was touched, too, by the story of your hair stylist. As women, just a little bit of liberated wisdom can feel so… well, liberating, and yet within so many of the ‘wisdoms’ lie even more traps for women, including the seduction to be more spiritual than sexual. We all need to claim our wildness, sexuality, and spirituality by living our own path (lots of trial and error) so that our wisdom arises naturally from our deepest truth. You are leading the way in this fine art of living the whole truth of being a woman and I bow down to your courage, compassion, and persistence in guiding women to be fully free in their deepest, wildest, most spiritual pleasures. I have learned so much from you, and I continue to! (I second the motion that it’s time for another book!) Thank you for sharing your passion.
LOL! I adore you April… And thank you for being a courageous part of this amazing tribe of women and for reflecting back to me that my message is landing and providing value… inspires me to do more, and yes, maybe write that 2nd book!!!
Hi Saida
Awesome article.
You will know already which one I do!!!
Is the fascination with the pulsation of tension very Scorpio over union with God in pleasure.
I definitely suppress but not for the reasons you suggest – the clue was fast release by passing the heart I my case my heart and desire feel so vulnerable that I avoid the disappointment and pain – which may link to projecting desire which you mention or simply early heart trauma!!
Please write another book I think you’ve done so much since the last one… Xxx
Thanks Freya, for your sharing and your encouragement. 🙂
This article is right on time. I am ovulating and feeling really sensual. I feel my womb pulsating. I do not have a partner to “relieve” myself with. I could pleasure myself. Instead I’ve just been sitting enjoying the warmness from the pulsating, imagining making the best love I have ever made and thinking about a glass of wine later on to add to this yummy feeling. I don’t need to chase an orgasm down to release. I can just be. And I can return to this state with a glass of wine later!
Hi Savon! Gorgeous…! You can also make love to yourself, deeply, fully, completely… creating profound connection and nourishment with yourself.
I feel sexual tension most days. Not ashamed, enjoy it. I do think about the person who I believe is the reason for this turn on every day. When we get together….the tension turns into frustration.
Ah yes… Is there openness about connecting? Or is this purely a turn-on for you and not other? If it’s only for you, can you breathe into your turn-on and let it infuse your whole body, let it light you up deeply, and keep breathing until you feel so intensely alive you just have to dance, or create, or laugh with abandon?
I believe the turn on is mutual. But when there is no release on my end the turn on turns into 2 frustrated people.
And the suggestion I made, where you can PLAY with this piece and really OWN it and enjoy it? Does that feel like something you are willing to try out? Because the frustration comes from believing that the other person has respond a certain way or else…
Thank you, Saida—this post is very relevant for me right now. I appreciate your clarity and words, as they echo my own body’s messages:
BE.
BE “TURNED ON.”
LET ALL SENSATIONS BE WHOLLY YOURS.
Love,
Jocelyn