Healthy Relationships With Men

Hi Gorgeous!

Happy Father’s Day & Happy Solstice!!

It’s a day to celebrate the Solar light and the men in our lives.

Our father & grandfather’s were the one’s who first taught us how to relate with the masculine.

Just like our Mother who, without words, showed us what it meant to be a woman in the World, our Father or a man who was our caregiver, also silently and potently impressed upon us what the masculine is all about.

Was he around? Was he abusive? Or apathetic? Or healthy and willing to show you the ways of the world?

Whatever that relationship is/was, it’s important right now to look at how you relate with men in your life and if you are happy with how things are.

Last month I talked about over-mothering as a sign of lack of receiving and in this month’s video, we look at how our lack of receiving can also emasculate and anger the men in our lives.

Is this true for you? Why or why not?

Leave me your comments below so we can learn and grow through consciously sharing  with one another.

 

15 replies
  1. Elektra Dekker
    Elektra Dekker says:

    Wonderful post!

    One of the main reasons I continue to be highly critical of feminism, is because it tells women it’s a sign of weakness to receive from men. No matter what it is.

    So, to answer your questions:
    1/ Yes, I do recognize those gifts. I had to rewire myself in order to do so. Then I had to unlearn myself not to enjoy it.
    2/ My own masculine energy has become severely overworked at one point in my life. I have to do work of a couple of men at once, and the paradox is that those same men act like envious females towards me when they find out… But those men are very unbalance, and the entertainment industry is full of them, so… Even the muscles in the left side of my body were weaker when compared to the left side. I wrote a poem about this phenomenon not that long ago. Link: http://elektramusic.org/Disseminate.html
    So what I did was, I spent an hour daily to ‘fluff’, as I call it. Do activities associated with ying energy. Every day for a period of time, until my entire system got used to it and my body loved the way it felt. It was a struggle, as esp. the outside world (and the Netherlands are not very supportive of anything genuinely feminine, so the environment wasn’t an inspiration) wasn’t very supportive. Luckily my man was! In fact: he learned even more about the state of the feminine in our contemporary world through my sharing (as I feel that if you won’t share those things, you can actually grow apart. Men love to learn more about us, they love us more than they at times dare to admit…)
    I must confess that old habits die hard, so especially in stressful times I still tend to lean too much on my masculine energy. Drive, drive, drive! Getting things done, all on my own. But… my monthly period always presents the bill to me, haha. A not so gentle reminder to be more gentle with my own self, so to speak!
    3/ Yes, I have learnt to allow men to show up. That it’s not a sign of weakness to let them deliver, give, solve, etc. I am in a stage even where this gives me pleasure! Which is a big step forward. Whenever a guy is acting all masculine, is in his cherish & protect mode, I purr with delight and my body becomes juicy and yummy, haha. One stage was also feeling safe when they do, without thinking that they only do so to get sexual favors in return. It stems from the past, of course, and I can really claim I successfully erased this.

    Now, whenever I talk with women about all of this, they cringe. “No way I will let a guy pay for my drink!” That kind of thing. Women and girls compete with each other who’s the toughest feminist of them all… It’s a national sport.
    The result of this, however, is that guys basically stopped maturing into men. Which also makes those same Dutch women fall for foreign men, haha! Vicious cycle, so to speak.

    Anyways, before this will turn into another essay.
    These are my answers.

    Thank you!

    E

    Reply
  2. Siobhan Bedford
    Siobhan Bedford says:

    Saida!
    Great post!
    I love when I see woman speaking about the strength of the masculine. Sometimes, I feel like woman have been deeply hurt by “some” men and that colors how they see “all” men. A confusion happens in feminist circles where the masculine gets blamed for all the negative parts of our culture. I think it is helpful to remember that men have been hurt by woman too. We are in this together.

    We don’t always agree but my father is such a great example of unconditional love and sacrifice for his family of six children. Working so hard to send us all to college and making sure we had what we needed. He has lived his life with devotion and faith.

    My husband is the most giving person I know. His mind works in a different way then mine and I love talking things over with him to get a unique insight. All my ideas get bigger and better when I look through his eyes. Sometimes, I just take a step back and watch him and I’m amazed at how dedicated, consistent and persistent he can be. He is filled with life energy being sexual and passionate. I think everyday of our life together he has told me he thinks I’m beautiful. After, being married for twenty years I’ve learned that we are happiest when we are both balanced inside ourselves. Not always an easy thing to be when life is spinning us round and round….it is worth the ride;)

    Namaste to all the men!
    Happy summer:)

    Reply
    • Saida
      Saida says:

      WOW Siobhan, that’s so beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing your amazing experiences with the masculine, we need to hear more of this!

      Reply
  3. June
    June says:

    My Dad truly loves me. One of his gifts is his concern for my physical SAFETY and has taught me to be careful when doing tasks, use the right tools, don’t over extend yourself, take a break, eat on schedule, have fun with the task, but stay SAFE. Also nothing out there is worth making yourself or another person feel bad — lighten up — if you can fix a problem then do it, if you can’t then don’t worry about it because worry does not help.

    Reply
  4. Giselle
    Giselle says:

    Dear Saida, thank you so much for sharing the positive ways in which your father and grandfather have impacted you. I never knew my father and my stepfather died when I was 13, he paid more attention to his own son, my brother. So from them I did not get a sense of what is a good masculine model. I am learning to set good boundaries. It has taken me 50 years of marriage to achieve that. I would love more input on how we emasculate men, that is not clear. Loving blessings to you, Giselle

    Reply
  5. Heidi
    Heidi says:

    I had a very emotional response to this topic. I did not feel cared for, protected or unconditionally loved from the males in my early life aside from my paternal grandfather and it has been a struggle to recognize that and try to adjust. I know I must emasculate men in my life without realizing it as a natural response to feeling “not showed up for” but there is a deep idea that I have to take care/protect and/or love myself because “they” can’t in the way I need. So I will be thinking on this more and looking at what I want and how to receive it. Thanks!

    Reply
    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Heidi, I hear you. And I love that you are willing to see what ‘was’ and to choose what you desire to have as an experience moving forward. Powerful.

      Reply
  6. Freyja Skye
    Freyja Skye says:

    Hi Saida,
    What you said about men wanting to help us and being able to receive it really touched me…
    I recognized that so often I am not open to receiving my partner trying to help me, because I react to him ‘lecturing’ or ‘telling me what to do’ and acting like ‘he knows it better’ and then I shut him down and we fight….
    I guess he really just wants to help me because he loves me…
    I will try to remind myself of that in those moments and soften into receiving his help or at least recognizing that he is wanting to help…
    Thank you,
    Freyja

    Reply
    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Yes Freyja!!! That’s it! Sometimes just recognizing the amazing impulse to help and solve problems can remind us to receive AND to be responsible about what we share about.

      Reply
  7. Anne Louise
    Anne Louise says:

    Hi <3
    I see the gifts from my dad as: Loving animals, nature, silence, hugs, closeness without so many words, gratitude for the great and small things in life, feeling secure and having no fears about finance, healthy and loving sexuality with my mom, healthy body.

    I also see that I recieved negative views on men from my ten years older brother who, when I was 4 or so, made me touch his erected penis and rub it.

    I'm struggling very much with that imprent.

    I have a really hard time trusting men in sex, and I often end up having men that are either "too sweet" and who needs my love in a way that I end up overmothering them and also become too masculine with them some how. Taking control and wanting to solve their problems (the emotional ones they have, because I can not let them deeply in to my heart… because i dont feel safe)
    Or having men where I repeat the old pattern of feeling that I must satisfy them to have the right to be loved. And I get so much disgust in my after a while and my body closes down totally when it comes to sex.

    Right now my sexual drive is so low and Im very affraid in my body about sexual contact. Not wanting to let anyone close in a sexual way. Im trying to find my way and I think i need to see your video more times to understand and grasp it more deeply.

    What I learned for now is, that I will try to focus more on the gifts that I got from my dad and hopefully those values in me will outrule the negative I got elsewhere…

    Any thougts on this is SOOO welcome!!!

    Love Anne Louise, Denmark

    Reply
    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Hi Anne Louise,

      Whatever imprints we have had we will fulfill them (or polarize against them)… so what’s important is not what you chose before, but what you choose now.

      Look at your OWN inner masculine and start there first.

      Let me know how that goes.

      Reply
  8. Laura
    Laura says:

    Hi Saida. Thank you for the video. I feel such an ache about your challenge to let the man in my life use his gifts to help me with a problem. My husband “helps” by taking over, making it his project or problem, criticizing what my stated desire is (“No, that won’t work.”. “That won’t look right”. ” No one does it like that,” etc. I have found my voice and learned to establish healthy boundaries. I’m grateful for what I’ve learned and the progress I’ve made. The ache comes, I think, from realizing a relationship could be so different from what I’ve had all these years. You look and sound happy. It’s possible. So I have a response that’s a mix of Yay! and Crap!

    Reply
    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Yay & Crap, I like that. I’m no where near perfection around this issue Laura, I too make a lot of mistakes, but by learning and desiring to create connection with the men in my life, I’ve found that they are very forgiving. Learning to voice our needs in ‘Man-glish’ definitely is a learning curve 🙂

      Reply

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