4 Questions To Stop You From Saying Yes When You Really Mean No

“Will you stay late to get that project done?”

How often have you said “Yes” to this kind of request even though you were looking forward to a special night with your partner/kids/dog/yourself?

“We really need another volunteer for this. Can we expect you there?”

How often have you said “Yes” to this kind of request even though your schedule is already maxed out with other obligations and responsibilities?

“Honey, can you drop this off at the dry cleaners today?”

“Mom, can you help me with my science project? It’s due tomorrow.”

“Darling, it will just take a moment, will you take care of that for me?”

How often have you said, “Yes, yes, yes,” when what you really wanted to say was, “NO! NO! NO!”?

If you’re like most women, you’ve said YES when you really meant NO too many times to count. Possibly a gazillion times. I know. I get it. This is truly an epidemic.

Why is it so hard to say NO to others?

Women have been socialized to be sweet, pleasant and accommodating. We are taught that saying NO is rude, impolite and unacceptable. We’ve been raised to say YES so that we avoid conflict, please others and don’t rock the boat.

But here’s a hard truth to swallow:

Everytime we say YES to others when what we really want to say is NO, we are saying NO to ourselves, over and over and over again.

So while our YES might keep the peace with others, our internal NO erodes trust in ourselves and our integrity, every single time we say YES when we mean NO.

Take this in for a moment… it’s a difficult truth, isn’t it?

You can continue to be out of alignment with yourself if you choose. You can continue to say YES when you really mean NO. But be aware of the cost of this. As you erode trust in yourself you create inner dis-harmony. This leads to dis-ease, dissatisfaction and resentment.

Or you can choose right now, in this moment, to honor your truth going forward. The more you honor your truth, the more you are in contact with your core and the essence of who you are. The more in harmony you are with yourself, the more ease and vitality you experience.

Integrity means speaking your truth with love and power. Integrity is also living by your own truth while remaining in alignment with the greatest good of humanity.

When you say NO when you mean NO you actually contribute to the greater good of humanity. I know this may challenge everything you’ve learned about life and relationships and what is acceptable. Yet it’s very true.

Because what this allows you to do is to say YES to what you really desire to say YES to.

When you say YES to your true desires, you have greater self-trust and integrity. Which leads to greater vitality. Which leads to you contributing more of your unique, passionate, creative expression and gifts to the world.

So my dear one, I invite you to consider four very powerful questions:

  1. What do you really desire?It can be anything! Perhaps you desire to get a massage, go to Maui for a vacation, or get a new sexy dress. Or perhaps you desire to get pregnant, find a lover, rekindle the spark in your relationship… Or enjoy pain-free sex, release shame, experience mind-blowing sex, love your body, have more confidence… Or get a latte on your way to work… Or pick up some strawberries and go play hooky in the park…Whatever it is, get clear and honest with yourself. Your desires are a beautiful thing. They are a compass directing you to what is important, true and nourishing for you.
  2. What (and who) have you been saying YES to that supports your desires?Great! Congratulations. This is important to acknowledge. Keep choosing more of this so you continue forward in alignment with what is most important to you.
  3. What (and who) have you been saying YES to that does not support your desires?Again, be honest with yourself. Are you saying yes to your boss’ or business partner’s requests? Your partner’s? Your kid’s? Your mom’s? Requests to stay longer? Volunteer more? Take on more responsibilities?Acknowledging what is not supporting what you truly desire is the first step to changing this so you can get on track with being in harmony with yourself.
  4. What do you need to say NO to in order to say YES to what you desire?This is where you get to be really honest with yourself. Identifying this is essential for getting out of this self-imposed trap. Then choosing to say YES to yourself and NO to others is the next step for you to take to come into greater alignment with yourself and your desires.

Together, let’s put an end to this epidemic of saying YES when you mean NO. It’s time to get aligned and say NO when you mean NO and YES when you mean YES.

I love hearing from you! Share your answers to these four powerful questions in the comments below. And most importantly, let me know, are you willing to choose right now in this moment to honor your truth going forward?

(Psst… If you desire having more pleasure and vitality in your life and relationships, experiencing pain-free and enjoyable sex and even mind-blowing orgasms, check out my Jade Egg Mastery Program here. This is your chance to say YES to what you really desire!)

7 replies
  1. Kathleen
    Kathleen says:

    What a great discussion! For me it means getting clean on why I say yes. Sometimes I say yes because it fulfills a deeper value and an greater loyalty to what is meaningful to me. Even in the moments that I think, “What a bother” or “I don’t feel like doing it.” Sometimes I am just people pleasing. I can see how this process can make my Yes and No much more powerful in my life!

  2. Heather
    Heather says:

    Saying no is hard because you do not want to disappoint someone, or make them feel bad. As an Empath I pick up on all the expectations, demands wants, hopes. I pick up on whatever stress my boss is going through when she asks me to work more, take an extra day etc… A big issue for women is saying yes to sex even though they don’t really want to. Either on a date with someone you barely know or with a long term partner/husband. The wanting to say yes to appear desirable, willing, compliant or to a new person hot and into it. With marriage comes expectations, demands, not wanting to disappoint, or even a sense of duty. Or it’s easier just to have sex then deal with the whining and moaning? Either way it is extremely damaging, especially when trying to please people that are essentially strangers or people you just met. Or to try and explain that the sex hurts, it does not feel good, it feels like nothing, hurts afterwards for days. To be unable to say Yes to wanting to heal, to have better sex, more spiritual sex. What seems to happen eventually is that women will stop having sex, there won’t be a ‘no’, but diversions, excuses and eventually nothing.
    At least that was my experience in my marriage. I couldn’t even explain what was happening for a long time, or if I tried he wouldn’t listen, he didn’t believe me. He could not fathom it.

  3. June
    June says:

    I am in a small bible study about codependency with some other women. Your blog inspired me because I realized that saying YES when you mean NO could be a characteristic of codependency. What I have seen in some of these women is they have said YES when they mean NO for years, and their lives just got more & more complicated as time went by and it seemed to have gotten harder and harder to reverse things. In one case, child moved back home and brought their children, then left and grandma is raising the children. By then what do you do, the best you can or call a foster home. TOUGH decisions could be avoided by saying NO up front a long time ago. I feel sorry for those who have said YES for so long that now they are backed into a corner.

    • Saida Desilets
      Saida Desilets says:

      Yes June, it’s an invitation to us all to partake in our own maturation process. Not so easy in a society that defers to immaturity.

  4. Clare
    Clare says:

    So powerful and so what I needed to hear in this moment. I get sick from saying yes too much. Literally! I just went through a ridiculous yes period and ended up with the nastiest cold and losing my voice completely for 3 days…. and it’s not the first time. What’s interesting is the guilt association with saying yes to my desires….especially the sexual ones. Thank you so much for these questions. They are gems. Love


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