How To Take Advantage Of Your Man’s Wandering Eyes

You are out with your man and a gorgeous woman walks by, he almost breaks his neck from following her with his eyes.

You find your man flipping through picture after picture of beautiful women on the internet while he barely notices your presence.

On the beach, you are walking hand in hand with your lover when you notice his eyes lingering on a beautiful woman’s shapely tanned body.

Before you start to get angry or feel betrayed and hurt, you may want to step back for a moment and take a better look at your man.

As frustrating as his ‘wandering eyes’ can be, there is a gift to them!

The key is to understand this natural masculine response to beauty and to take full advantage of it.

Why do his eyes wander?

Before accusing him of being unfaithful or just a plain outright pervert, you may want to peek into the motivator behind the action.


We love this guy, don’t we?

In fact, testosterone is responsible for that feeling of desire and is the instigator behind our libido.

Without testosterone, there would be no sexual play, no attraction, just cuddles and snuggles, but not hot, burning lust.

Testosterone also is behind the sexy, strong muscles we love so much.

What about confidence?

Testosterone again! Self-confidence and assertiveness are enhanced with its presence.

And don’t we just love a confident man who knows what he wants?


Yet the very same hormone is initiates sexual thoughts and fantasies and increases our desire for one-night stands and affairs, as it is quite fond of novelty.

Which is where the ‘other woman’ comes in.

The unknown beauty ramps up your mans testosterone levels and before you know it, his eyes are eating her alive.

The same happens within us, albeit at levels a little less intense then an man’s.

Now, testosterone has a buddy.

LHRH. In fact, it is LHRH that kick starts our man’s testosterone when a gorgeous woman shows up.

It also regulates testosterone levels in his body making sure that he is always ‘ready and willing’ when a woman is available.

Now here’s the catch:

Stress and the threat of danger can short-circuit this cyclical two-part harmony and shut down your man. The same is true for you.

Here’s the deal.

When a man’s has been in a relationship for a long time, there is often a loss of novelty, of excitement, and therefore, the loss of testosterone. 

To make matters worse, the stress of life and feelings of being dominated or belittled dwindle a man’s testosterone levels.

In fact, one of the worst culprits of male castration has been the Feminist movement. Men no longer know how to be good men AND maintain their testosterone levels.

Have you castrated you man? Do you hang him ‘out by the balls’?

Men are remarkably sensitive creatures.

Testosterone, as potent and delicious as it can be, is also phenomenally delicate and easily disrupted by external causes.

As a man ages and perhaps gains a little weight, his testosterone levels go down. When he loses, at work or socially, his levels plummet.

The lower they are, the less drive he will have, both inside and outside of the bedroom

But there’s help.

By encouraging your man’s testosterone and LHRH levels.


Before kicking his butt down to the local gym and getting him to pump iron, you may want to consider how powerful your influence actually is.

Rev his motor and ride his turn on!

Once you understand that you can play a part in creating a sexy, confident, and turned on man, you may find great joy in creating new ways to titillate your man.

Here are a few suggestions:

1. Point out hot women to him and let him know that his turn on is your turn on.

2. Send him texts or emails with images of gorgeous women (that you find beautiful too).

3. Write him an explicit fantasy of your own. Get wild in your story-telling and leave it on his desk-top for him to find.

4. If you are game, turn yourself on and record your own sounds of pleasure. Talk to him and let him know what you are doing. Send him the recording or leave it on his voice mail.

Men are both highly visual and auditory.

The more you surprise him this way, the more excited and delighted he will be. And the healthier his levels of testosterone will be.

Through gifting our man the freedom to respond to beauty, he will find a new sense of novelty within his relationship, finding us all the more attractive and desirable.

If it feels juicy to gain confidence and insight to delight in beauty and share its inspiration with your partner, click here to get started with my book: The Emergence of the Sensual Woman.

98 replies
  1. Rayla Larson
    Rayla Larson says:

    You can’t fight nature? Damn right you can’t fight what has traumatized you in the past. I’m sorry to say this article triggered very deep, painful and repeated experiences. I have loved all I’ve read of your work until this one. I couldn’t even finish it. Amazing the wide range of emotion this evoked in me. I guess good job touching a hot spot.

        • Kelly
          Kelly says:

          I’m interested in a man that has desire but also has a brain to say “maybe I should reserve leering at other women for when I’m NOT with my wife.” It’s not that hard to show basic respect.

        • K
          K says:

          This isn’t either/or … there are plenty of men out there who are NOT perverts and still have a sex drive. Also, if your man is sexually harassing other women and you are HELPING him do it? You are a part of the problem.

          • Giorgio
            Giorgio says:

            Men’s biological purpose is to ensure offspring/children. Women’s purpose is to secure their offspring. Therefore men will always want to maximize chances with ass many women. Men who have much testosterone will succeed in this, thus making them more wanted by other women. It’s hard to find a balance. Men who are in a long relationship will be bored eventually, unless the woman does things like the author describes to keep it exciting. Therefore, great article.

    • Alida Varano
      Alida Varano says:

      Couldn’t agree more Rayla!! Modern men need to control their urges! It’s called maturity. What’s the difference if you point out ‘hot’ women to him, or him watching porn??? How is this a healthy relationship? Would he point out ‘hot’ guys to us????

      • Saida Desilets
        Saida Desilets says:

        Alida, hopefully everyone is controlling their urges, otherwise we’d have craziness! What we are talking about here is being playful with your partner. There are so many levels to this conversation. My intent was to invite women to understand their partner and to join them in the discovery. It doesn’t mean being abused, etc. It does mean being playful, and for some, that would be mean both partners are pointing out ‘hot’ people to one another—for fun. Healthy relationships are based on trust, when we trust each other, it’s far more creative and playful. AND… each one of us knows whats best for ourselves.

  2. Christine Thomas
    Christine Thomas says:

    A dangerous game to play and what happens once the novelty of this ‘game’ wears off? I tell you what happens, they want to act out the fantasy. Ever heard the saying, ‘give them an inch and they take a mile.’ Ladies, if a man loves you he respects you and makes you feel emotionally safe. Never settle for anything less.

    • Saida Desilets
      Saida Desilets says:

      Well Christine, thank you so much for your honesty. I sense that you’ve had a bad experience with this in the past? Is that true? Here’s the thing, we cannot change nature. We can fight it and attempt to control our man (but really, we can’t) or we can actually understand it and use it to improve our connection with him. What’s also valid is the idea of ‘what we resist persists’. By being afraid of this tendency and insisting on controlling it, he’ll resist (who wouldn’t) and want to do it even more, and most likely, behind your back instead of honestly in front of you. Food for thought! My husband and I have an understanding that certain times of the month, I need all the attention (before my period), so we playfully laugh when he’s looking and I say, “Wrong time of the month for that babe.” It makes both of us relax and then he happily grabs me and gives me his full attention. Yet, in the past, when I tried to control this, I actually experienced the full betrayal of my heart. It’s a tough and UBER edgy one for us because we yearn to be the ultimate center of our man’s universe, yet we won’t always be. And also because this asks us to really love ourselves, to really know our own worth, to voice our boundaries, and to take a stand for this without being a fascist about it.

    • Karmen
      Karmen says:

      Absolutely agree, lingering eyes should be saved for when they are alone or at least if your going to look be mindful and discrete, I’m not saying don’t look it’s a human reaction but some man just go way over the limit. If I see a hot man walk by of course I’m going to look but if I’m with my husband I have to be mindful of him and know that I can’t break my neck looking at another men when I have mines standing next to me that’s just plain out disrespectful.

  3. Bridget
    Bridget says:

    Hi Saida
    In essence, I agree with what you say about trying to embrace a man’s natural urge to gaze at beauty and I think it’s important to not pretend it doesn’t exist. However, there are pitfalls and I would love some guidance if you have any. I have been married to a man I’ve known for thirty years and we have a strong bond. In our early marriage, I was very trusting and confident and I did the things you suggested to help him feel that his natural urges weren’t marginalised or covert. I found it titillating and it did indeed make him more passionate in the bedroom. Unfortunately, he failed to reciprocate with an understanding that I wanted him to find me beautiful as well and my fountain of giving dried up. I was happy for him to look outside the marriage so long as he looked at me with the same sort of lust. He wasn’t very good at it and I ended up feeling like I’d given a lot, and we had plenty of sex, but he didn’t see my need to feel beautiful in his eyes. We argued a lot about it for years. It got even worse and he actually broke my trust by sleeping with my best friend who had been one of the women we had fantasised about together. That was eight years ago but I only found out six months ago. Now we are trying to build up our trust again and I want to be in the free space we were in before. He continues to gaze at other women, which I can see is a reflex action, and he hasn’t been unfaithful to me since the episode eight years ago but I carry a lot of fear and pain after the shock of finding out. Six months on, we are seeing a therapist and I am trying to communicate to him that it’s ok for him to look at other women but that he needs to do so with caution and respect. He is beginning to see my need to feel beautiful and when he thinks about it properly he can be amazingly romantic and press all the right buttons for me but he still sometimes struggles with being generous and consistent in that department and his go-to solution is to say he just won’t look at other women. I have said repeatedly that it isn’t realistic as we don’t live in a monastery. When we make time for it we still have amazing sex. Do you have any advice for me?

    • Saida Desilets
      Saida Desilets says:

      Ah. Our sweet tender hearts and the dance with Eros. Healing this has more to do with YOU than with him, as hard as it is to admit this to ourselves, we must be willing to take a stance. In your history, it doesn’t sound like you let him know how much you love his attention, etc nor letting him know your boundaries and your deep desires. Women often have a ‘one-way’ bargain where they do everything they can for another in hopes they will get something in return, but they never actually take the time to VOICE those desires clearly. Healing a betrayed heart takes time (I’ve suffered from this myself)… the greatest suffering is our own self-betrayal. So right now, what would YOU LOVE? I heard a lot of what you don’t want so most of your ‘power’ is still sitting with your pain and what you don’t want. What do you want? Are you willing to claim that and make a stand for it? Are you willing to be that exceptionally devoted lover to yourself?

  4. Xell
    Xell says:

    Another fantastic article.
    I point out hot women constantly to my man, and he points out both hot women and hot men to me. He has pointed out that I notice beautiful, sexy women before he does! I now recognize that I am titillated and inspired by sexiness and beauty, too.
    In observing myself and working hard to transcend old beliefs and patterns of jealousy, low-self esteem, etc, I have chosen to re-pattern myself to total openness and freedom, which in turn has built confidence. Appreciating the sexiness and beauty in others and pointing them out to my man has been a great exercise, and continues to be. I even visualize my man having sex with these women (either on his own or me participating) as I wanted to train my mind to find joy in whatever he finds pleasure and joy in. Why should sex be any different? This was an exercise I did for my own freedom and happiness, if that makes sense. By respecting my man as his own sovereign being, our relationship continues to flourish and deepens our bond. By embracing this aspect of him – in finding joy in beauty – and enjoying his joy, our commitment to each other is stronger than ever. Thank you, Saida. Your book is a must read for all women – and men!

      • Anna
        Anna says:

        You can’t be serious about this article? How degrading and devaluing and you are giving the green light for it to happen? Good Lord.

        • Saida Desilets
          Saida Desilets says:

          Hi Anna, what I’m doing here is calling to light an existing pattern and how to transform it through the ability to see and to transform it. I know it’s edgy and I’m not suggesting it’s for everyone.

    • Hetheru
      Hetheru says:

      I so appreciated your comment. I feel as if the love in my partnership is so much that we have to share it. That’s how I feel about it…

  5. Anna
    Anna says:

    As a very jealous an insecure woman, I just happened to learn something that opened (and still is opening) my eyes. In fact, it’s a reply a guy wrote on facebook:

    It doesn’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you et at home.

    At first I didn’t really understand, but now it gets clearer to me everyday and I begin to understand the whole thing about men.

    You could compare it to being outside and seing a nice sandwich being sold. Of course you get hungry and you’d like to buy and eat it, but at the same time you remember that you’ve got really good bread left at home. The sandwich might look better, but who knows if it really is? If you get home, the bread will still be good and you’ll enjoy it more since you’re already hungry now.

    Yes, maybe your man would LIKE to sleep with her, but even if he was given the chance, he would NOT do it, because he’s already got YOU and he loves you and appreciates you. (If he does infact sleep with her, forget about him because then he isn’t worth your time or effort)

    Walking by hot women, he’ll probably be thinking “hm yeah, I could totally screw that one if I was SINGLE”

    If he really intensifely thinks about doing it even though he’s with you, then he’s probably not the guy for you or for monogamy at all, don’t believe every man is like that! 🙂

    • Saida Desilets
      Saida Desilets says:

      Anna, I adore your comment! So much wisdom. Yes… I actually appreciate feeling turned on myself AND… I don’t actually want to do anything about it. I just like to enjoy feeling ALIVE. So does my man. And yes, a man who knows and trust himself is not going to make excuses for his turn-on AND he’s going to adore and respect his partner. It’s not ALWAYS an either/or situation.

    • Diana M. Joice
      Diana M. Joice says:

      For men it’s the same as with us women – they seek to stimulate their appetite and so do we. We read erotica and look at the hottie from the corners of our eyes. Men watch porn and their gazes are not as subtle as ours.

      Which is very good for the women they gaze at. Ever been watched before by one or several men? It does wonders for your arousal and confidence as a woman.

  6. Mar
    Mar says:

    Dearest Saida,

    First, you are hot woman.
    Second, I do not mind wandering eyes and never did. I love to look
    At beauty as well and if it happend to be a woman so be it. However, being around for very long time, my observation and knowlage proved the wandering eyes do not stop their and man have a fantasy to act on their fantasy and bring it to reality. I have had married man heating on me and working very hard to get me to fulfill their fantasy while all along their wives has no idea their husbands wandering eyes also wandering period.

    • Saida Desilets
      Saida Desilets says:

      Yes Mar, that is definitely an existing scenario… AND this article is about understanding and celebrating what cannot be stopped – The noticing of beauty. The more we resist this, the more the allure of it becomes.

  7. Aloha
    Aloha says:

    Namaste Sister,
    Looking forward to a “Continued” discussion in this realm. (after reading a lot of the comments!) ..
    I would especially b interested in exploring our men doing same kind of exercise for their partners. Since we address their turn-ons regularly (and with good affect/effect, as you mentioned), what about our turn-ons? You did touch on it, but I want more, Girl!
    I notice that when I mention my real-life chemistry scenarios with my partner, he rarely takes it up with the same fascination+gusto as I would whenever he mentions anything like that (not too often; he would once in a while share with me when he’s fallen into watching porn, which he had repeatedly voiced his disapproval of) .
    There is a 20year difference between us (he the younger) so I try to support both his journey and mine, and ours together (whether or not we remain together; its been some years now) too!
    More power to you, Inspired one X

    • Saida Desilets
      Saida Desilets says:

      Hi Inspired One! Great comments!! My husband would be the one to best answer this, but he especially gets turned-on when I’m turned-on and definitely encourages my erotic edges to come out and play. He is confident in himself and our connection enough to point out hot men to me. I’m sure that having open, loving, and sexy conversation about titillating each other could open up the realm of possibility. Getting to know and cherish the evolution of our Eros takes time, courage and the ability to be vulnerable.

      • Aisan
        Aisan says:

        I’ ve got a question : i wonder if we you mean to engage in giving compliment or looking at a sexy girl dancing in front of our husband seeing him deep in thought of having sex with that girl ? Please let me know the answer . Thanks

        • Saida Desilets
          Saida Desilets says:

          What I mean is that “it doesn’t really matter where your man gets his turn on, so long as he brings it back to you”. If you were honest with yourself, other people and things in life will also inspire and excite you, but it doesn’t mean that you’ll run off and indulge in every single sensation.

  8. Roshni
    Roshni says:

    Some thoughts I had as a result of reading this:

    I wonder if we are ALL the divine feminine (ofcourse we are!!) and so it’s ok if a guy gawps at another girl because in essence she is us and contains the essence that makes us, feminine? Female sexuality is a beautiful thing.

    Hell, *I* gawp at it, how can I blame men when they do it? Could it be that when men admire women, they are honouring the very same essence that makes me up too, and therefore it’s a compliment to my essence? Could it be?

    And, could it be that the more self-love I give to myself, the less it’ll bother me if ‘my’ man looks at other women? I think it will. Self love is the way to go.

    I perv at women’s legs and arses and everything (as I’m an erotic artist) so I’d be a giant hypocrite lol if I expected a man not to!

    My essence, my ‘essential self’, the truest part of me that is an erotic artist, LOVES the way women look- so would it take it personally if another man also loves the way she looks? Hmmmmmm! But my essence doesn’t know how to be jealous, it only knows how to admire and LOVE the female form.

    This is all very interesting, thank you Saida and all who commented for this rich discussion! X <3

    • Saida Desilets
      Saida Desilets says:

      Wow Roshni, LOVE that you are an erotic artist. LOVE the expanded view you are tuned into. It’s not available to all women YET… so thank you for pioneering this culture-shift.

      • Roshni
        Roshni says:

        Thank you sweet Saida! Thank you for pioneering this shift too, and for giving me so much to think about with your article X

  9. Michelle Eves
    Michelle Eves says:

    What a powerful post 🙂 Thank you Saida E. Desilets 🙂
    I have always enjoyed seeing my husband see the beauty and sexyness of other women. I have never felt that it ever diminished his desire for me, it only ever enhanced and confirmed the beauty and sexyness he also see’s in me. I didnt know about the physical hormone levels and how they are affected but it has helped me to understand what I was noticing intuitively 🙂 and ohhhhhhh I sooooooo Lloooveeeee his testosterone and love seeing him being the amazing man he is!
    As we are both embarking on being grandparents for the first time, I have also noticed that his ‘wandering eyes’ are also soaking up and honouring the divine beauty of pregnant women! It is so beautiful to see him softening as he see’s and honours her pregnant beauty 🙂
    And I feel honoured to see this beautiful new aspect of my husband and of the masculine!
    Thank you for sharing Saida xxxxxxxxx

        • Saida Desilets
          Saida Desilets says:

          Hi Moka! I appreciate your comment… and… that’s not Science, that’s Assumption. Plenty of men and women can appreciate another person’s beauty without ever having to do anything about it.

  10. Fran
    Fran says:

    I think you all should get a Freakin Life!!! My man did this crap to me!! I didn’t like it at all!! How disrespectfull!!! Are you women stupid? How about him pointing out Handsome men to you? I don’t think so!!! and we women get bored with the same cock too!!! I’m sure he knows it and if he dosent let him know!!!
    Stop letting men run you life!!! Grow up women!!!

    • Saida Desilets
      Saida Desilets says:

      Fran, I am approving your comment here (rather than trashing it) to offer up the opportunity for healing a genuine wound that I see existing with the Feminine and in sisterhood.

      First of all, please know that you are free to express yourself as you choose in this community, so long as you take full responsibility for yourself, your feelings, your projections, and your needs.

      Calling other women stupid is not okay. EVER. This hardly inspires connection or the openness needed to hear what you have to say.

      No one, especially me, has said that men cannot point out other handsome men to their woman. The article is exploring another issue entirely—the natural propensity of men noticing beauty in the world.

      I don’ know about you, but I’m not interested in creating a World where men are so completely emasculated they stop being men.

      Healthy, emotionally mature couples are able to recognize and enjoy beauty in all it’s forms, no matter what ‘sex’ it shows up as.

      Why not, instead of lashing out in anger, own your anger and your vulnerability. Own that you are bored sexually in your relationship. Own that you are frustrated, and mostly likely, also afraid.

      Telling women to ‘stop letting men run their life’ isn’t helpful. Perhaps revealing that you let your man run your life and that you are over it would be far more effective in inspiring the rest of us to learn from your experience.

      And, by the way, we all do have a life, thank you for caring.

      Telling us to ‘Grow up’ while behaving like an irate teenager is hardly inspiring.

      Look in the mirror.

      Own that you are triggered.

      That when you are triggered you lash out in pain, and in the end, you feel more alone and frustrated, proving that you are unworthy of respect and love.

      Respect yourself.

      Show us what it looks like to be an emotionally and sexually integrated woman, how you own your feelings, your needs and communicate them without shaming or emasculating others.

      And let us, as a collective of conscious women, hold you and reflect back to you that you are powerful and worthy of love and respect.

      • Stef
        Stef says:

        SO TRUE!! I completely agree with you, Saida. For many years, I also struggled with self-esteem issues and “castrated” my husband, letting fear and disempowerment rule our marriage. This has led to nothing but misery for both of us, and feeding my own insecurities about myself. Because at the end of the day, I can only trace every thought and decision back to me, and take full responsibility for my life. I really appreciate your empowered viewpoint here and openness to beauty. COming from the place of someone who has struggled with this for many years, I completely agree that if women are struggling with these issues, to look within themselves as to why they are not happy, why they chose a man who would disrespect them, and how they can communicate their needs in a healthy way to their partner to co-create a relationship they are looking for. And finally to let go of control because it’s all coming from a higher place of wisdom than we are able to experience anyways!

    • Aisan
      Aisan says:

      I do agree with you, i consider it disrespectful to spouse too . By this welcoming our husbands wandering eyes we are closing our eyes to facts letting them do nasty things or having nasty thoughts

      • Saida Desilets
        Saida Desilets says:

        Aisan, what the article is pointing to is a fundamental experience that we have NO CONTROL OVER. Men will always look at beauty. End of story. What we do have control over is our feelings and our needs. By having your husband understand what it means to you in a way that doesn’t emasculate him, you’ll end up being able to deepen your trust, and surprisingly, his devotion.

        I’m not sure what you mean by ‘nasty thoughts’ or ‘nasty things’?

  11. Claudia
    Claudia says:

    Thank you, for your views on the wandering eyes of the male species. I have allowed my self esteem to be lowered because of my men looking at other women. It made me feel undesirable etc. But after reading your views on this matter I understand now. I will implement what you said about “choosing how to define” in all of my relations with other people and situations. I can’t thank you enough for addressing this issue!!

    • Saida Desilets
      Saida Desilets says:

      You are welcome Claudia!

      I love being able to ‘be with what is’ and actually enjoy life instead of suffering. As they say, ‘Pain is inherent, suffering is optional…’

  12. Monique
    Monique says:

    I don’t know about this one. I love the idea of using our beauty to entice testosterone and to get men to give more love to their women, but I am not down with pointing out beautiful women to my man. I don’t mind a wandering eye if the relationship is solid, but I’d rather make myself as hot as possible to turn him on than encouraging him to engage in a fantasy about another woman.

    • Marina
      Marina says:

      I also agree ! By pointing out other beautiful women to my man it could make me feel less hot with low self esteem because it’s not ME to entice his testosterone! Also, in my mind I would question myself about what the other women have more than me? I am beautiful, intelligent, hot, attractive 🙂 By using this method that the author describes here I would loose my confidence! I am the female who attracts the wandering eye of other men out there then why not my man’s eye too 😉

      • Saida
        Saida says:


        Learning that men are attracted to all beauty is key to understanding them and being in harmony with them.

        Whether you point out the women or not, he will still notice them. So by pointing them out, you get to partake in the obvious.

        And just because he is looking, doesn’t mean that he doesn’t adore you, appreciate you, and is deeply turned-on by you.

        I’m sure that you look at other men. What we are seeking, as sexually sovereign women, is to be in harmony with both our own erotic nature and that of others.

        • Roshni
          Roshni says:

          ‘ What we are seeking, as sexually sovereign women, is to be in harmony with both our own erotic nature and that of others.’
          -Freakin love this Saida, thank you!! <3

  13. Janice Mark
    Janice Mark says:

    All very stimulating conversation and revealing discussion! I feel that it all condenses down to two factors – besides the hormonal stimulators, is the wanting and action being driven by fear-based ego for personal gratification OR is it being driven by our beautiful being from luminous love? I choose the latter!

  14. Rebecca
    Rebecca says:

    Wow…. This is something I have always done as I often notice beautiful women before men do… I often wondered if a was doing myself a disservice…. seems not… thanks for validating my urges 🙂

  15. Kelly La Sha
    Kelly La Sha says:

    Hi Saida,

    I am in a similar field of work with you. I have been following your work for awhile and truly appreciate your encouragement of women embracing their succulence. On this note however, I have a different experience of the practice of the Sacred Art of Love. Sacred Sexuality is just the beginning of the Art of Love and was designed to bridge us into the receiving and giving of the Divine Blessings of being incarnate. It is also a conscious way of giving incarnate souls an energetic reminder of the deep satiating experience of Divine Love. I believe that it is our responsibility to fully remember the purpose of our practice so that we have more to offer to help create a bridge from the indoctrinations of our wounded culture to a deeper experience of soul satiation.

    I have found that for two Lovers to truly embrace, there needs to be a deep level of trust. My partner and I have found that when we hold our sexual energy and attraction for each other, our union is deeper and is less diluted by the energy of others… via fantasy and distractions. Our chemistry together intensifies as a result and our love goes deeper.

    To suggest that women encourage their men to allow the addictive distractions that weaken their bond could be a weak link to the work of the Sacred Feminine. All women deserve to be adored by their men. In indigenous cultures the men were taught to avert their eyes so they could hold their adoring eyes for their woman. The woman in return is satiated, safe, and fulfilled so that she has the energy to fill the tribe with the Sacred Feminine that provides the nurturing and loving energy that we all need… and have been without since.

    Move love and appreciation to you sister!

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Aloha Kelly,

      Fantastic to meet you and to read your words here. They have certainly stimulated me!! 🙂

      I want to be part of co-creating a new world, one where men and women honor and respect each other and their differences, one where our deep heart and innate erotic nature are seen as a natural, integrated part of life, one where sexuality is no longer a commodity, but something to value and to consciously cultivate and mature.

      That said, is it true adoration when it comes from a place where it is a ‘behavior demanded from society’?

      It would seem that true adoration is an organic result of our partner feeling seen and loved in their totality (including their response to beauty) and isn’t because it’s ‘expected of them’?

      What would it be like to fully trust our own erotic and emotional intelligence and therefore naturally extend that trust towards another person? And in this type of relationship of deep trust, what would it be like to then authentically connect without having to set limitations? Where connection is based on revealing all of ourselves versus shying away or creating false constructs of ‘safety’ or ‘sacredness’?

      I’m curious which indigenous culture do you speak of? In some native traditions, if a woman lost her husband in battle, it was natural and expected that her sister would ‘lend her her husband’ so she would remain healthy.

      I also like to peek at a living matriarchal society (The Mosuo in China) where women clearly have sexual freedom. These ‘paired’ women often do not live with their formal husbands, are free to take new lovers when they want and it is commonly acceptable that they do.

      Are the women in either of these examples any less Sacred in their Feminine?

      For me, the Sacred Feminine is not an external construct or series of rituals, it is the true living embodiment that each woman claims for herself. For some women, it will be celibacy and a life devoted to the Divine, for some it will be one partner and raising children, for others it will be having several lovers, and for others it will include same-sex partnership.

      This is because the Sacred Feminine isn’t determined by external circumstances, but by an internal alignment to our deep, living wisdom.

      In fact, I sense that as we come into our full power as erotically aligned and alive women, we will no longer need to create fear-based limitations in our relationships. When we focus so strongly on ‘safety’, we naturally cultivate its opposite. This article is an invitation to look head-on at our fears (mainly that our partner will find another woman attractive). Perhaps we can spend time looking at the questions:

      If my partner is finds another woman attractive, yet still chooses me, what of this?
      Why do I need my partner to ignore all the beauty in the world in order for me to feel beautiful, seen and safe?
      What is it that I really need when I am afraid and controlling? Can I give this to myself?
      If my relationship isn’t one of deep trust, why am I in it?
      Is there a time of the month where I am more sensitive to this and can I communicate lovingly my need for attention?

      Thank you Kelly for such a rich discussion!!!

      Here’s to birthing a new vision of Sacred Humanity, one where all of it all is seen as Sacred, including what we label as Feminine and as Masculine.

  16. Ale
    Ale says:

    Dear Saída,

    (You are lovely!)

    Basically, you´re talking about open communication in relationship and I can´t think of anything more important. Yes! Let´s openly communicate our turn-on (on both sides – women get turned-on also – heck I get turned-on by handsome men but also by beautiful flowers blossoming on trees!) I don´t see how it can influence a person´s choice in polygamy, cheating or open-relationships because you´re sure not going to be able to “keep” your partner from such practices if s/he believes in them. However, open communication is always a win-win-win, even if it is difficult at times or makes us feel vulnerable.

    PS. This morning we did the “Ignite Delight” practice in our woman´s circle, it brought great healing, on several levels. I was amazed that I did the practice and my painful menstrual cramps melted away almost immediately! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  17. Penny
    Penny says:

    Wonderful Article, I understand your point about the feminist movement, I honestly believe in the power of being soft and feminine. We can’t match their power on their terms, it’s not who we’re meant to be, I believe we need to learn to own ours. Testing the waters with this, leading them with your love, knowing how far you, personally can take it, wow! You could potentially lead them away from you, but then, maybe that’s the path for that relationship or your learning. Being free of the fear of losing someone on those terms is so healthy for everyone though, I believe. You’re an angel.

  18. Angela
    Angela says:

    This is scary stuff for me. But I have been digging into the conversation about desire with my husband. About the nature of mens’ love of women’s beauty. About the appreciation of women in all their diversity. I’ve got a husband that is learning how to express the desire that he feels in healthy ways (after having some not so healthy experimentation). I am trying to ride through the fear triggers and open myself up to explore this. As much as feminism is/was essential I am enjoying a redefining of what it means to be a woman of power, which includes embracing both the female and male nature of sexuality. Thanks for the article!

  19. ariane
    ariane says:

    Thank you so much for bringing this up,it is something I like to ignore,bury and leave festering,and yes I am castrating my man,for fear of not being able to handle him wanting other women,I find it difficult to accept that this is how it is and am longing to find peace with it,your suggestions scare me but I also feel you may be right!Very grateful!

  20. Dolores
    Dolores says:

    So true. Thanks! We women need to recognize our femenine power and this is one way to recognize it and a way to keep love and intimacy alive.

  21. Stephanie
    Stephanie says:

    What about pornography? Does this apply to that as well? Is it a bad thing that my guy needs to watch a certain amount of porn a week, even though we are plenty sexually active together? Does this mean I’m not enough? Help!

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      If your partner watches porn it doesn’t mean you are not enough. It means that the dopamine rush he gets from variety is intensely addictive. There are some great TED talk about porn and how it is harming our natural wildness.

      It is less a matter of good and bad and again a matter of understanding how the brain chemistry works (in both men and women when it comes to porn) and then taking the steps to get off porn and get into exploring deep, passionate, erotically creative and alive intimacy together.

      It is also a very tough addiction to quit, but it can be done. This is a worthy question and I may write an article to address this.

      • Stephanie
        Stephanie says:

        Thank you Saida. I have been struggling with my man’s porn addiction and any more advice or insight you might have into this very common issue would be so helpful. I look forward to hearing more and thank you for your wisdom around these tricky topics.

          • Stephanie
            Stephanie says:

            Thank you so much, Saida. I will definitely take a look at this and I really look forward to hearing more. The next step is sharing this with my guy in a gentle way- a whole other story! lots of blessings your way

      • Lolita
        Lolita says:

        Hi Saida, I just want to thank you for responding to our comments. You are a beautiful person inside and out, so please don’t allow some of these negative comments get into your spirit because their are more than less of us who really enjoy and look forward to your knowledge you feel us with.

  22. Phoenix
    Phoenix says:

    I get where you are going with this article, and I enjoy this type of play with my partner.
    But this statement,”In fact, one of the worst culprits of male castration has been the Feminist movement.”
    I guess I have to say that if me working for equal pay, the right to not be sexually harassed in my place of work, etc makes men not “know how to be a good man.” I am just going to have to learn to live with that consequence, because those are not rights I would give up.

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Of course there were great and very important things that happened with the early Feminist movement, agreed. And sexual harassment is definitely not acceptable.

      The backlash of men not knowing what is “okay” and what “isn’t okay”, questioning their nature as men, etc, as left many men depressed and without any lust for life.

      Both men and women are on a beautiful journey of maturing both their sexual and their emotional nature. It is truly the only way we can create a world where the erotic aspect of who we are isn’t completely domesticated, tamed, or caged and is balanced with the deep conscience, insight and sensitivity of an emotionally mature person.

      This article was intended to open the discussion about our love/hate relationship with certain aspects of human nature, to see if we can compassionately explore this edgy topic for the sake of loving our authentic nature and being willing to look deeper than skin deep.

      • Ev
        Ev says:

        I like your sharing Phoenix and Saida, thank you :). I do not think that anybody, woman or man, should have superior right over the other gander in social world. However in terms of sexual harassment at work place… I was born and lived substantial part of my life (in a very civilized country ), where, woman however were not protected from sexual harassment at work place by law, in fact woman were not protected in any special way at all (of course there were work ethics etc.). I’ve never seen situations with sexual content (relationship, affair, and flirting play) at the same work place without mutual interest and agreeing.
        I like proverbs – words of wisdom. So here is one that I remember, to this topic, which sounds a bit urban way but speaks the truth to a tee (and by the way I’ve heard it from man): “If the bitch does not want the stud does not get on”.
        I agree with Saida, that men are strip of aliveness or whatever it is and remind frozen fish here. I talked to men about this phenomenon and they are saying exactly that (briefly) – they were different before the law about harassment; they do not how to fit now, do not know how to be a man and not to be seen as a threat by default, by law.
        I think total “vasectomization” does not serve a good purpose as well. Ever seen the difference in attitude between normal male dog and sterilized, besides chasing females? ….Same, they are … ALIVE.

  23. Belinda
    Belinda says:

    I love it! thank you beautiful! always so inspiring to hear your fresh point of view. I must admit my heart sinks and I get really jealous when this happens. It is something I cannot control but now I know what to do next time. Mmm sounds juicy! big hugs to you sweat xxx

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Yes Belinda, we definitely cannot control another person, but we can choose how we define the experience and therefore, how we live it. Notice as well if there is a time of the month when you feel more open and when you do not.

      • Kim Smith
        Kim Smith says:

        Saida, I absolutely loved what you said, “we cannot control another person, but we can choose how we define the experience and therefore, how we live it.” I wrote that down and plan on hanging it up in my home. Very wise words to live by!

  24. Astrid Maria
    Astrid Maria says:

    My point of view is the feminist movement is and was a necessary correction in a world that needs more feminine values. Castrated the male? Oh, please…

  25. Soetkin
    Soetkin says:

    There was a time that I only got irritated by men looking at me and whistling at me. Kind of ‘they only think about one thing’. Untill a -much older- friend told me that she had the feeling she has become invisible to men.
    Now I enjoy men looking at me and to see in there faces ‘mmm yummy yummy’ 🙂

  26. Clara
    Clara says:

    I totally agree!
    I had read something similar in one of your writings and agreed with the concept, so I tried it with my boyfriend – the effects are just as you say!

  27. Miss
    Miss says:

    Hai, i understand your point of view…..but what if the confdence leads to affairs with younger & other woman) because they now have the confidence to make their dreams (polygamie, younger woman) come true?

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Aloha Miss,

      The funny thing is this, when your man recognizes that you truly love his turn on, he often has less of a need to go elsewhere. But all of us do look at others, it is natural! How do you know it is your man’s dream to be with other women? This is such a rich discussion to have with your man… but again, as I said earlier to An, it is important to go at your own pace, something that feels delicious to you too! The bizarre thing is if we pretend this doesn’t exist or worse, we try to stop this from happening because we are afraid, we often create the very situation we fear. This is simply an invitation to look in the direction we are afraid to look and to make friends with it. Gentleness is key.

  28. An
    An says:

    great!!!!!!!! I love it!!!!! I love it how you write this: funny and so true!!! thanks a lot… I really like to try it, only feel fear that if i encourage him to be a sexy, healthy-testeron man, I wil lose him…
    but still i am gonna try it…carefully:)

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Exploring this consciously is part of keeping the ‘juice’ alive in your relationship. Having candid discussions about this is vital and can bring up things for both of you, but when shared in the light of keeping your connection alive, inspired, and exciting, then exploring this can be very enlivening. It must come from a genuine place within you… go slowly and act with full integrity to yourself.

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Yes, it can be! Again, our ability to enjoy beauty, delight in aliveness, and share our inspiration is what keeps the Erotic Nature of our intimate relationships alive.

    • Hebecca
      Hebecca says:

      Really? So, what happened as a result? What did you do, what did you notice about him afterwards..? How did you feel at first when it happened, during actually pointing hot women out, and later on?


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