Is Your Lover Indifferent?

5 Revealing Questions That Can Transform Your Sex Life.

Have you found yourself craving touch and intimacy, yet your partner barely responds to your advances?

Perhaps, during sex, he is not very sensual: no kissing, no touching, no eye contact, no foreplay whatsoever?

Maybe he complains after sex, saying he can’t understand why you don’t orgasm when all his past lovers did?

Or post sex, he just turns over and falls asleep or worse, lights a cigarette and refuses to touch you or hold you for a snuggle?

Having an indifferent lover hurts.

It leaves us feeling unmet, raw, and wondering what in the world is wrong with us.

We berate ourselves for not being sexy or skilled enough in bed.

Feeling sexually broken or handicapped, we constantly feel angry while experiencing insane jealousy and suspicion of all other women.

To make matters worse, we are convinced that our inadequate and somehow immature sexuality will never be able to fulfill the needs of a true intimate relationship.

Ultimately, we struggle to fight the rising panic inside us that we will never be sexually met and happy with a partner.

First off, you are not broken and there is nothing wrong with you!

“If there is nothing wrong with me, why do I feel so bad?”

We are raised in a world that has completely misunderstood the vital importance of sexual intimacy.

In this world, sexuality and pleasure are commodities, they are things we ‘do’ to someone or ourselves in order to ‘get’ a certain result.

The porn industry and Disney fairytales of love have sold us the ideal scenario for intimacy.

Therefore, when we are experiencing an indifferent lover, it shatters our illusions of what love/desire needs to look like.

And our default is to blame ourselves for destroying our ‘happily ever after’ fantasy.

The first step in recovering from the death of our romantic ideals is to recognize this as an incredible opportunity to get real.

Getting real is sexy and is a profound relief to our psyche.

What does it mean to get real?

It means recognizing our own insecurities and false ideals along with our projections—the image of love/desire we project onto another person believing it to be real.

It also means having a good look at our current reality and being willing to ask ourself some tough questions.

Here are 5 question that can help you change your sex life:

  • What is really going on here? (Be very specific about your observations)
  • What needs do I have that are not being met in this relationship?
  • What am I honestly bringing as erotic inspiration to this relationship?
  • Am I afraid to be masterful with my pleasure and express myself shamelessly?
  • Why am I choosing to stay in a relationship that feels so unfulfilling and unloving?

Remember, when someone says they are bored sexually, it may have nothing to do with you.

If they claim that all their other lovers were happy while we are not, this could also have nothing to do with us.

Sometimes this just points to the person being overly identified with certain techniques while lacking the skill or desire to attune themselves to our body.

Perhaps it just reveals their sexual insecurity and lack of creativity when it comes to discovering what makes us purr.

Not everyone is willing to take responsibility for creating delicious sexual connections.

Beyond good/bad, right/wrong lives a world of exquisite experiences.

The gift of this experience is to learn about ourselves: what we love and don’t love, what we deeply desire, where we can stand to learn a thing or two, and what is not acceptable without making up stories about ourself!

When we are able to step back from obsessively analyzing our relationship in attempts to make it better, we give ourselves the space to notice what is actually happening.

For some of us, indifferent lovers are a symbol of how we relate to ourselves! They are mirroring where we have forgotten to love ourselves.

For others, indifferent lovers are an opportunity to discover what is truly meaningful and important to us and to hold that as worthy.

It is a chance to champion ourselves as gourmet and to deepen our own self-love and turn-on.

We are precious. Our pleasure is precious.

And anyone who cannot see and uphold that isn’t worth the gift of our sensual self.

Indifferent lovers gift us the amazing opportunity to learn about ourselves and to discover what really matters to us in intimacy.

Courageously let them go with gratitude and bravely continue on your path of unveiling your erotic intelligence.

If you would love to strengthen your capacity for making conscious choices and for attuning yourself to your erotic intelligence, I recommend you start with my book: The Emergence of the Sensual Woman.

Be sure to leave a comment below, so we can continue the discussion together.

20 replies
  1. ina
    ina says:

    Thanks for bringing up the subject of infifferent lovers 🙂
    Nice to know I am not alone in having experienced this…

  2. Nancy
    Nancy says:

    Beautifully expressed words in your article and as I have had the good fortune of meeting my soulmate 35 years ago where our chemistry was magical, we continue to share a lovingly, playful and sensual connection. We may not always be in sync when one of us has our “code red” moments, but through communication, we respond to each other’s desires. That’s what keeps the fireworks in our relationship and appreciate your wisdom that you shared!

  3. Eirini
    Eirini says:

    Like reding my feelings! Great Saida, so true and liberating. An indifferent lover really left me in a difficult state. I’m so happ he’s gone now! I feel free and so much closer to myself and to my beauty.

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Aloha Ruth,

      After reading this article, do you feel inspired to have a deeper look at your connection? Perhaps risking an important conversation with your partner?

      • Ruth
        Ruth says:

        I have read and re-read your article a few times and am journalling on the questions you propose. I don’t feel polarity to my partner. Consequently, I don’t bring much to him and I lack desire to “attune” myself to his body as you say.

        There’s nothing wrong with him. He’s a very nice person. The problem is in me.

  4. Darlene
    Darlene says:

    I have been dating a man for 7 months and I thought our love life was good. But yesterday he told me he feels like he has no sex drive and also said he doesn’t like that my voice sometimes sounds little girlish during sex. He said he wants to keep me satisfied but feels he can’t keep up with me. I was deeply hurt by his remarks but reading your timely article helps me realize his problems are his own and not a reflection of my own sexuality. I’m thinking that sadly I will have to end this relationship.

  5. Penny
    Penny says:

    I love the thought processes you provoke…from my own experience, I think a really nice prelude to sex would be just dancing together…freestyle. Do you flow together, do you enjoy following his lead and feel good with him. Is he completely comfortable when you lead? Body talk. Thank you, I must remember to share this with my girls when the timing is right, I love them so much. Your book is a gem.

  6. Auset
    Auset says:

    Saida…beautifully written! Thank you so much! I am fortunate enough to have a very loving and responsive husband but I loved your article and the questions you bring up are good for us all to contemplate every once in a while to keep ourselves in tune and revved up! love Love LOVE!

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Absolutely! One of my favorite mentors is Mario Forleo and she always asks “How can I learn from this?” especially in situations we may quickly dismiss as not applicable. 🙂

  7. Annaparjata Jasmine
    Annaparjata Jasmine says:

    Beloved Saida <3 I feel your words so close to my heart. It is very interesting how 'false attraction' to unavaliable men=men whom i as a woman can yearn for but who never shows up for real, is mirroring the lack of value deep inside. This is how it has been for me and I see it also in so many other women friends. I saw this painful mirroring of my devaluing of myself a few years ago and after that my beloved and me has had a long time apart and now reunited with a deep sensual pleasure and commitment to real juicy lovemaking. I never knew anything like this was possible, and it is growing every day now. As long as I stayed convinced and convincing myself that I was unworthy of real connection, I actually was attracted to men who mirrored this deep pain again and again. My yoni responded to their touch (even if it was so far from present and so far from the sensual kindness of heart I now experience) and a kind of exitement in my chest would draw me to one halfhearted man after the other…Saida, this still puzzles me. How on earth could it be so, that my Yoni also turned on in this "false" attraction?

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Beautiful Annaparjata,

      You bring up a powerful issue: the ‘erotic imprinting’ that shapes our arousal response (another article in the making!).

      Perhaps your erotic imprinting is so strong in that direction that it is an automatic response/reaction for you. This is where the jade egg practice is so important because it helps us to slow down, to feel the deeper truth of what is happening for us in ALL of our body-mind-spirit, and to re-imprint ourselves.

      The fact that you noticed is wonderful and a huge step forward!

  8. Jen
    Jen says:

    I love my partner and she loves me. There is a lot of intimacy in our relationship and our sexual needs are often different. I know I am in the right relationship. Everything else flows really well. I don’t think that leaving a relationship just because the sex isn’t fulfilling all the time is the necessary end result. These conversations, though difficult at times, have brought us closer. If the partner is open to exploring why sex isn’t as fulfilling as it could be, it could be an opportunity to expand and deepen the relationship. Human sexuality is a complex thing, in my experience. No two people are alike. No two peoples’ libidos are completely in sync all the time. Being in relationship means always shifting and changing. Sex ebbs and flows in relationships. And that is real. The trick is taking responsibility for our own pleasure so our partner doesn’t have to take up the slack of what we are unwilling to give ourselves.


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