Relaxed Arousal?

Uncovering The Deeper Meaning Of Pleasure.

Is sexual pleasure something haphazard or is it something you intentionally cultivate?

When you do have sex, is orgasm the essential ingredient to ‘good sex’?

Perhaps sex no longer fascinates you and has become a get-it-over-and-done-with chore?

Even if sex is still important, maybe you sense something is amiss and wonder where all of your techni-color orgasms went?

Or, is sex something done quickly, in order to relieve the tension that has been building up inside of you?

Whatever the case, our sexuality is unavoidably influenced by the wham-bang-thank-you-ma’am attitude that is so prevalent in modern media.

We are inundated day in and day out with messages that imply that not only should we be turned on all of the time, but as soon as we are turned on, we must do something about it as quickly as possible.

Then, adding to the mix, when we do enjoy sex, we tend to focus on the end result and miss the pleasure and connection that comes with sexual play.

The ‘tension-release’ method of building ourselves up to the ultimate peak moment in order to be momentarily set-free has become the norm.

Yet this way of having sex, although fun and possibly fulfilling, can leave us wondering if there is more to sex than what we currently know.

This is where “relaxed” arousal comes in.

Relaxed arousal represents the dynamic paradox of feeling the intensity of arousal while being fully relaxed in both mind and body.

On a psychological level, the more clear and relaxed we are, the more access we have to our innate erotic intelligence.

Accepting pleasure as our birthright, enjoying sex and orgasm as a natural, healthy part of being human, and understanding that we are biologically designed with a full neural network of unlimited pleasure potential, we begin to give ourselves permission to fully open up to our body’s amazing capacity to generate limitless pleasure.

On the physical level, relaxation is key to inducing a pleasure-hormone response cycle and enabling us to access the more subtle sensations of the erotogenic zones of our body.

Relaxing our psyche directly affects the relaxation of our body, in fact, most issues with libido and pleasure are of a psychological nature.

3 Quick tips to Relaxed Arousal:

1. Take time to explore your beliefs and definitions about sex and pleasure and see if some of them could be updated.

2. When engaging in any sensual or sexual activity, be willing to forget about the end result and indulge in all of your senses while deepening your awareness of your body.

3. Practice relaxing both your mind and body outside of an erotic context. The more you practice, the more you will have the power to drop into a relaxed, yet aroused state when you do engage your erotic self.

By allowing our front brain to release its agendas, to-do lists, and out-dated perceptions, we allow our hypothalamus to bathe us in a rush of pleasure-based hormones.

This process includes letting go of having to ‘make pleasure happen’, of  wishing for pleasure to ‘feel or look a certain way’ as well as letting go of the mechanical version of sexuality.

This relaxed, open, non-goal-oriented spirit shifts us from a purely localized genital experience and enables us to enjoy the deeper purpose of pleasure, whether it is found through profound sensuality, an orgasm or many orgasms.

Relaxed arousal is something we can have alone or with a partner and is essential to supporting us to reclaiming our natural vitality, inspiration, and capacity to contribute something worthy in the the world.

Through living in reverence with our own pleasure, we literally switch ourselves on and live a life rich with beauty, deep peace, and satiation.

If embodying relaxed arousal is something you would love more of, I would recommend starting with my book: Emergence of the Sensual Woman. If you enjoyed this article, please like it, share it, and subscribe (sign up on page) to access more tips to living a sensually alive life.

Remember to leave your comment below so we can continue to deepen this discussion.

24 replies
  1. Mary
    Mary says:

    I love your website,and what you say here Saida. We are so wrapped up in if I do this, or don’t do this what will this person think of me. Everything we are taught is we are afraid to be ourselves, self image,or the image we let others see, instead of relaxing in who we are and we accepting that ourselves. We shouldn’t portray who we are not by holding back, don’t be who you are not. Here I am learning I can be my sensual self to myself, and I should relax and be myself with a man. If he doesn’t like what he sees in me then he isn’t the right person for me. You can relax and be in the moment with yourself and that special someone. Thank you for this Learning experience here.

  2. Jocelyn
    Jocelyn says:

    Dear Saida,I feel great love everywhere I turn here. Thank you for sharing such beauty and joy; this is invaluable. Your book is on my list to read. Love to all.

  3. Anton
    Anton says:

    Hello Saida,

    How fabulous to discover your site and connect with what women want, think and feel around their femininity, sexuality and sensuality. I was recommended to it by a woman of course!

    On the subject of relaxation I had the experience recently of giving a private massage to a woman friend in which I was able to witness her drop deeper into a state of surrendering to her femininity and sensuality until it was obvious she was getting increasingly aroused. Then as a man, staying in a state of presence and feel so that she could feel safe to express that without me feeling that therefore we had to have sex, allowing her to just enjoy the experience and be just be aware of the sexual energy flowing through her.

    Allowing that space sometimes feels like it can then allow us to sink deeper into connection both with ourselves and the other person and enjoy the bliss even more when it comes.

    What do you think?

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Yes Anton! The beauty is when we discover that we are not responsible for people’s arousal (or lack thereof) and that it truly belongs to them. In this way, we can relax and celebrate what emerges without having to make it mean something or having to resolve the sexual tension. 🙂

    • Jocelyn
      Jocelyn says:

      Anton, I’m a young woman who grew up surrounded by personal beliefs and religious ideas (largely from my mother)that severely restricted personal intimate relationshops between men and women who were not married to each other. Openly wishing for a personal touch from a male friend would have been deemed innapropriate, and accepting such a gift would have been out of the question. The idea that a man could touch a woman’s body and not have sex with her would have been seen as all but impossible. Knowing ,from a man, that it is possible, makes my heart sing and gives me hope for close,nurturing relationships in the future. Thank you for sharing your experience.

  4. Anja
    Anja says:

    I’m convinced you feel and enjoy a lot more when you are relaxed. Still it stays difficult for me to keep my mind quiet…

  5. Judy
    Judy says:

    Thankyou again…it’s like you
    know’ what’s going on with me! There are times when I am soooo close, and then it’s gone. Making love with my man feels so good that (even though I don’t always orgasm)I still really enjoy it. I don’t think he believes me when I tell him that sometimes the ‘journey is just as wonderful as the destination’. That being said; how do I ‘get back on track’ and achieve that (for me anyway) elusive orgasm?

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Judy, thank you for your honest question.

      Orgasm is interesting. It is a mirror for where we are within ourselves. At times, what we believe we need and what we actually need do not match, often in these moments, it is harder to allow our natural pleasure to move through us.

      That said, when we pursue orgasm, it always seems to elude us!

      So what to do? Keep enjoying yourself, keep nurturing your body and keep her healthy and expressed, keep nurturing your heart and keep her healthy and expressed as well. And be honest, how deeply turned on are you? on your own? with your man? Sometimes visiting our erotic edges can reignite our deeper passion and then orgasm is a side-effect of expressing this.

      This subject is much to vast to answer in a short paragraph, but I sense you will know where the finger is pointing to. 🙂

  6. Olive
    Olive says:

    Thank you Saida!!! Inspiring. What a well-kept secret treasure box is this ability to relax. We all own one, somewhere. Sometimes it is close to the surface … but very often buried deep down, under years full of applying ourselves to get things done and staying busy and goal-oriented …

  7. Penny
    Penny says:

    I’m still being so pleasantly surprised by the Jade egg practice, the pleasure is very intense and beautiful,there’s an expansion and intelligence present. So different and much deeper than anything I had experienced.

  8. Ruth
    Ruth says:

    Intellectually, I accept pleasure as a birthright and that we are biologically designed with a full neural network of unlimited pleasure potential but even after reading your book I have not been successful in generating limitless pleasure.

    • Saida
      Saida says:

      Aloha Ruth,

      I can understand your frustration. The translation from theory to reality is sometimes a big stretch! But don’t give up, I have helped 1000s of women world wide in similar experiences as yours, I KNOW it is possible.

      Reading a book is not the same as actually living and testing the theories practically.

      Are you part of the Succulent Woman Group on FB? We have a lot of candid and supportive discussions there:

      I look forward to deepening the conversation with you Ruth.

  9. Karrie Gregson
    Karrie Gregson says:

    I Love reading these articles …. I feel my body resonate with everything written. I believe in pure presence is relaxed sexual play and when we are in the moment every sensation in our body is heightened…. Love it…. Thank you

  10. Melanie
    Melanie says:

    Wow, your messages always seem to come at exactly the right time! I have the suspicion that it’s surprisingly effortless to relax into pleasure…we just never get taught how!
    I feel very supported by you and the way of living that you teach. Thank you.


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