Why I Wrote About Desire

We all come from desire and, whether we acknowledge it or not, desire will remain an integral and intimate part of our lives.

Yet despite its intrinsic power and influence, desire still remains one of the most misunderstood parts of being a human being. And although no one is exempt from its impact, few of us consciously engage with desire. Why is that?

The answer is multifaceted and involves looking more closely at the living edge of where our desire and conditioning rub up against each other.

We can see that now, and throughout our history, desire has been vilified as the source of human suffering and misbehaviors.

The element of chaos is one of the main reasons for desire’s ill repute. It is by nature an essential disruptor; how else would evolution progress as it does?

However, this unsettling facet of desire doesn’t need to deter us. In fact, I believe that we can use this to our own creative advantage.

Imagine harnessing such a powerful force? What would happen in our life?

There is a greater purpose to desire than just titillation or instigating trouble. In fact, my new book explores the idea that desire is an emerging, evolutionary force that we can harness for the better. The problem, however, is that we will have to contend with being consistently side-tracked by ‘hijacked desires’—desires that are co-opted by social mandates.

It’s this distinction that’s crucial to transforming our relationship with desire.

I also wanted to present desire as a symphony, giving it a greater range within our lives. This is why I looked to our desire for sex, love, creating a family, thriving, spirituality and contribution as unique and powerful desire songs.

The idea behind this came from witnessing an elder friend in a state of grief, saying she was terrified of dying with her song unsung. For years this moment touched me and led me into a deeper inquiry about my own song.

I then came to a realization that if I asked myself the simple question of “am I willing to let this song be unsung?” I would inevitably find myself confronted with the truth of a desire. In essence, this question helped me separate my true desires from hijacked ones.

It also sparked in me a daring quality necessary to propel me on my evolutionary journey. This daring quality lives in all of us, yet apathy has clouded it. It’s my hope that this little book called Desire will clear any confusion we have about our own desires and reignite our own daring nature so that we all can become the powerful creators of our own lives.

In a time when we are being overwhelmed by the monstrosity of humanity, we are in need for the nourishment of inspiration and the purification of truth—not mine, but each of our own emerging understanding of what it means to trust our own heart’s calling.

How do you feel about your desire? Would you love to understand this part of yourself more? It’s easy to get your own copy of my newest book, just visit DesireTheBook.com

Gurus Aren’t Gods

Sexual Abuse in the [Un]Conscious Sexuality Movement

More and more gurus are being called out for their sexual abuse and sexual misconduct.

This is not actually surprising. What is surprising, however, is that we are repeatedly surprised by this fact.

There’s something important about this behavior to point out because the most obvious path is to blame the gurus or men in positions of power and forget that it takes two to tango.

There are no victims here, not really.

Naiveté is no longer a free ticket to making bad choices and pointing our finger at our abuser.

If we are adult enough to make choices, especially around sexuality, then we are adult enough to be responsible for the outcome of our choices, even when we are unsure of ourselves or new at an endeavor.

I’d like to propose that there’s something else, other than just the obvious abuser/victim cycle, at work here.

However, before I dive into why hijacked desires are a detriment to all involved, I do want to take a moment to point out the obvious:

A Sexual Guru Isn’t Not A God, He/She is Human

There is a need for people to learn about their sexuality and sexual energy. It’s part of our erotic evolution to seek out teachers and guides in this area, yet there are no real standards in place for these teachers/teachings.

Somehow, for many decades (if not longer) no one has ever questioned the authority of these sexual guru figures.

Or if someone did question them, their voice was never translated for the rest of us to benefit from.

Personally, I started my journey with a wide open heart and a deep desire to learn the arts of conscious sexuality. As a young woman, I viewed advanced Taoist and Tantric practitioners with a sort of reverence reserved for the gods of ancient Greece.

Very quickly, however, I got to see how ‘unconscious’ the conscious sexuality movement actually was:

Story 1: Men surrounding me at a Tantra evening, calling me a Goddess and saying all sorts of ‘formula’ phrases designed to make my female ego throb with desire. All it did was freak me out. And worse, they would NOT let me out of their circle. I had to force myself out between two bodies and literally run away. So much for being adored as a ‘Goddess’.

Story 2: My first teacher seduced me with ideas of ‘higher teachings and special initiations’. Because of my need to be seen and feel special, I bought into his ideas. They involved having sex with him. It was pretty lame sex and I never felt the promised ‘orgasm that takes me to God’. To be honest, I felt more with my own hand in the quiet of the night.

Story 3: As a teacher myself, I was confronted, over and over again, by mothers whose daughters had fallen for the ‘sex teacher’. When I approached the founders and leaders of my community, I was told that I didn’t understand because I was married!!! What?! I retorted that even as a single woman teaching the work, I had never looked to my students for my sexual and relational needs, so why would male teachers be exempt of this? Are we not here to serve our students to learn, grow, and evolve? Obviously not, it’s more like having easy access to a lot of willing sexual partners.

The list odd stories is endless.

I’m sure this has been going on for as long as there have been sexuality teachers. What’s surprising is how few of us seem to go into these communities armed with this knowledge.

I’ll tell you why this is so:

  1. We have our own agendas that we want met. We are blind to what is obvious and see only our own projections rather than the truth.
  2. Living by ideals and not reality. We all have a fantasy of the perfect situation, with the perfect teacher, and the perfect outcome, but the truth is that this is rarely the case and we’d be served to notice the truth of a situation instead of insisting on pushing our ideals.
  3. We assume that anything ‘Eastern’ is holy and impeccable. This is absolutely ridiculous. Humans are humans. They have needs. If we cannot see this, then we are intentionally sticking our heads in the sand.
  4. Young women are especially vulnerable. We are resolving our daddy issues, we want to be special and unique, we want to be Goddesses (especially sex Goddesses), we believe that we need a teacher to unlock our potential, and so forth. You get the picture. We do not teach young people about the right to say what happens with their bodies—what I call Sexual Sovereignty. Because of this, they simply don’t know any better and with that comes risk.
  5. Drive-Thru Sexuality Practices. This is at the crux of most of the issues in this industry. What is known and out there is actually of very poor quality. It has been left unchallenged for far too long and diluted more and more as the information gets shared wider and wider. The truth of the practices is that they have long been exchanged as an excuse to resolve sexual tension and insecurities.

Fairly early on in my journey, it became very clear to me that the information that was available as ‘alternative or conscious’ sexuality practices was more of a joke.  Many times were led by sexual predators and/or sexual addicts.

A large number of people seek alternative sexuality education as a way to initiate their own sexual healing. Some of these individuals teach. In truth, they decided that they were qualified to lead and teach, yet have only managed to grow their neurotic relationship with sexuality and propagate more trauma.

This issue is compounded by ‘hijacked’ desires.

We want what we want no matter the cost,
even the cost of our own integrity

The desire to evolve sexually is honest and real.

The desire to do this no matter what the cost, is BS.

We live in a world that has made a currency out of our sexuality for so long we’ve no clue what it actually means to be a sexual being.

Add sexual repression and layers of dissatisfaction and sexual shame, and we have the perfect climate for an unconscious ‘conscious sexuality’ movement.

Transforming Lead To Gold – Awakening Consciousness
In the Conscious Sexuality Movement

Judging something to be right or wrong only serves to separate ourselves further from it, but it doesn’t actually make the issue go away. This means that instead of judging people and their choices, practitioner or participant, we’d be better off learning from what we are witnessing and using that learning to create deeper, more meaningful experiences.

If we want to actually contribute to bringing more consciousness into sexuality, then we need to hone our discernment while we ditch our judgements.

Discernment is the ability to see the truth and to act in alignment with it without having to make something good/bad or right/wrong. Discernment empowers aligned action, which deepens our self-trust and personal impeccability.

Seven Crucial Aspects of Transformation

  1. We get to own that we desire to grow sexually and sensually. This is a true and honest calling.
  2. We get to also own that we feel incomplete and that we are seeking something or someone to reassure us that we are okay.
  3. To speak out, to question, to challenge authority is crucial, especially in the field of sexuality. Although this can lead to being ostracized, shunned, we must be willing to risk ‘not being liked or approved of’ if we are to take a stand for our own sexual sovereignty.
  4. We must understand that there are literally ZERO standards in the [un]conscious sexuality movement and that we must exercise discernment to the utmost degree.
  5. If you want to know the truth of a teacher, look at their life: How do they live? Are they single or partnered? If they are in a relationship, is it successful? [Many people have a public persona, but what happens when no one is looking is a different matter all together.] Do they have their own method or are they proposing they are following a lineage? How long have they practiced? Who did they learn from, and more importantly, how did they take the information and embody it? Do they believe you need them to grow and evolve? Are they insisting on teaching you through having sex with you? (FYI: The most inadequate teachers require this form of contact. Very high level practitioners would never request this of you NOR would they need such an exchange to transmit their understanding of the deeper wisdom to you).
  6. Have you already experienced abuse? If you have, where are you in your reclamation of your sovereign space? You have the right to feel all the feelings you are moving through, there’s no need to be anything other than who you are in this moment and to learn from what happened so that you are able to choose differently in the future.
  7. Call out those who are out of integrity. It’s important not to collude with the group. If something is off inside the group or with the leader of the group, call them on it. It will not feel nice to do this, but it’s worse to stay silent. If you aren’t ready to do this for yourself, then do it in defense of others.

A New Paradigm For Sexuality

Sexuality isn’t just the act of sex, or more specifically, the act of intercourse.

For more than two decades, I’ve been inviting people to consider the idea that they are sexual beings, not sexual ‘doings’ and inviting them to explore what that means for them personally. This idea can be profoundly challenging as it goes against the ideals and assumptions of society, yet it’s worthy of contemplation.

Being able to define something for ourselves is also invaluable on this journey along with the ability to understand that we were born erotically intact and intelligent.

We are standing at a crucial moment in human history and evolution, a moment where we no longer can afford to be unconscious, where we must ‘grow up’ emotionally and sexually and from this new vantage point, create the world we’d love to live in.

Gurus, old ideals, and ongoing, recurring human behavior are being upgraded, whether we partake willingly or not. Either way, through choice or pain, we will grow. How we go through this growth phase is determined by the choices each of us makes in the micro-moments of life.

It’s time to put sexuality in its rightful place: a natural, sovereign, integral part of being a human being.

This birthright comes with responsibilities. If we want deeper, more intense and alive sexuality, then we must equally be willing to take greater and more thorough responsibility for our choices—from birth control to saying yes or no—and owning the consequences of those choices as a sexually sovereign adult.

If this article speaks to you, we’d love to hear your thoughts (feel free to leave them in the comments below) and have you share it with your community. Come over to TheDaringProject.com  to deepen the discussion and we’ll gift you a free 30-day trial.

4 Questions To Stop You From Saying Yes When You Really Mean No

“Will you stay late to get that project done?”

How often have you said “Yes” to this kind of request even though you were looking forward to a special night with your partner/kids/dog/yourself?

“We really need another volunteer for this. Can we expect you there?”

How often have you said “Yes” to this kind of request even though your schedule is already maxed out with other obligations and responsibilities?

“Honey, can you drop this off at the dry cleaners today?”

“Mom, can you help me with my science project? It’s due tomorrow.”

“Darling, it will just take a moment, will you take care of that for me?”

How often have you said, “Yes, yes, yes,” when what you really wanted to say was, “NO! NO! NO!”?

If you’re like most women, you’ve said YES when you really meant NO too many times to count. Possibly a gazillion times. I know. I get it. This is truly an epidemic.

Why is it so hard to say NO to others?

Women have been socialized to be sweet, pleasant and accommodating. We are taught that saying NO is rude, impolite and unacceptable. We’ve been raised to say YES so that we avoid conflict, please others and don’t rock the boat.

But here’s a hard truth to swallow:

Everytime we say YES to others when what we really want to say is NO, we are saying NO to ourselves, over and over and over again.

So while our YES might keep the peace with others, our internal NO erodes trust in ourselves and our integrity, every single time we say YES when we mean NO.

Take this in for a moment… it’s a difficult truth, isn’t it?

You can continue to be out of alignment with yourself if you choose. You can continue to say YES when you really mean NO. But be aware of the cost of this. As you erode trust in yourself you create inner dis-harmony. This leads to dis-ease, dissatisfaction and resentment.

Or you can choose right now, in this moment, to honor your truth going forward. The more you honor your truth, the more you are in contact with your core and the essence of who you are. The more in harmony you are with yourself, the more ease and vitality you experience.

Integrity means speaking your truth with love and power. Integrity is also living by your own truth while remaining in alignment with the greatest good of humanity.

When you say NO when you mean NO you actually contribute to the greater good of humanity. I know this may challenge everything you’ve learned about life and relationships and what is acceptable. Yet it’s very true.

Because what this allows you to do is to say YES to what you really desire to say YES to.

When you say YES to your true desires, you have greater self-trust and integrity. Which leads to greater vitality. Which leads to you contributing more of your unique, passionate, creative expression and gifts to the world.

So my dear one, I invite you to consider four very powerful questions:

  1. What do you really desire?It can be anything! Perhaps you desire to get a massage, go to Maui for a vacation, or get a new sexy dress. Or perhaps you desire to get pregnant, find a lover, rekindle the spark in your relationship… Or enjoy pain-free sex, release shame, experience mind-blowing sex, love your body, have more confidence… Or get a latte on your way to work… Or pick up some strawberries and go play hooky in the park…Whatever it is, get clear and honest with yourself. Your desires are a beautiful thing. They are a compass directing you to what is important, true and nourishing for you.
  2. What (and who) have you been saying YES to that supports your desires?Great! Congratulations. This is important to acknowledge. Keep choosing more of this so you continue forward in alignment with what is most important to you.
  3. What (and who) have you been saying YES to that does not support your desires?Again, be honest with yourself. Are you saying yes to your boss’ or business partner’s requests? Your partner’s? Your kid’s? Your mom’s? Requests to stay longer? Volunteer more? Take on more responsibilities?Acknowledging what is not supporting what you truly desire is the first step to changing this so you can get on track with being in harmony with yourself.
  4. What do you need to say NO to in order to say YES to what you desire?This is where you get to be really honest with yourself. Identifying this is essential for getting out of this self-imposed trap. Then choosing to say YES to yourself and NO to others is the next step for you to take to come into greater alignment with yourself and your desires.

Together, let’s put an end to this epidemic of saying YES when you mean NO. It’s time to get aligned and say NO when you mean NO and YES when you mean YES.

I love hearing from you! Share your answers to these four powerful questions in the comments below. And most importantly, let me know, are you willing to choose right now in this moment to honor your truth going forward?

(Psst… If you desire having more pleasure and vitality in your life and relationships, experiencing pain-free and enjoyable sex and even mind-blowing orgasms, check out my Jade Egg Mastery Program here. This is your chance to say YES to what you really desire!)

Are you prepared for your client's #MeToo Story?

Your Client’s #MeToo Story – Are You Prepared?

With the rise and empowerment of women’s voices comes a shadow: the emergence of pain, anger, fear, confusion and numbness.

Our clients trust us. Implicitly. Therefore it’s natural that we may be the first place where their voice comes forward. How prepared are we for this vulnerable and edgy conversation?

As a professional who is dedicated to the full transformation of our clients, we are in an incredible position to assist women through this powerful time, yet few feel equipped and/or comfortable at having these important, yet intensely edgy conversations.

How we handle these stories will keep a woman in her trauma cycle or will create a pattern interruption that will support her to find her own way through her reclamation journey.

No Psycho-Sexual Training

Although many ​are not qualified to take ​a woman ​on this reclamation journey, we can still be their first responders. How we handle those first few moments are crucial to the success of this reclamation journey; so we want to keep in mind that at the heart of this issue is trust: broken trust, that is.

When trauma of this nature has occurred, ​a ​woman no longer trusts her own relationship with
​her body, never mind other people. This is why it’s so crucial ​she begin​s​ with ​her own body.

Few have methodologies that assist this specifically, however, we can gently inspire a woman to contemplate this idea: her fastest path to wholeness is through returning to herself and her body.

That said, there are a few things we are all capable of offering. Here are three simple, yet potent concepts can we take to impeccably show up for our clients without contributing to the trauma:

1. We transform through who we are, not what we say. This first concept is about doing our own inner work around our pain, grief, anger and confusion. Who we are impacts more than anything we could ever say, this is why our ‘felt-state’, who we are deep inside, has such profound impact on our clients.

The more we can allow ourselves to feel these states and choose to love ourselves no matter how ugly these states may be, the more powerful we demonstrate this possibility through our presence (this happens through a powerful process known as limbic re-imprinting).

2. We are powerful, they are powerful. The second concept is more of a definition that we take on as truth. In situations where there’s been victimization, it’s easy to collude with the pain and forget that there’s a powerful person going through a painful experience.

By taking on that you are powerful, and therefore, your clients are powerful, allows them to get a feel for this, perhaps even for the first time. They literally get a sense that ‘they have this’, even if it will be a challenging time – they have what it takes to experience full reclamation.

3. Our greatest wound is our greatest source of power. This third concept is a recognition, a deeper inner knowing. If, as a person, you have not yet come to this realization, it is a worthy contemplation. When this becomes TRUE for you, you’ll be able to hold this as an honest possibility for your clients. This is one of the most powerful ideas in shifting from trauma to thriving.

To be prepared, to be willing to go where few have gone, is the reason our clients trust us and open up to us. Although these conversations can be scary, we can relax in knowing that we’re listening with the knowledge that she’s powerful, that healing is possible, and that sometimes just having someone listen without trying to rescue or fix can be just as powerful, if not more so, than any fancy technique.
​ ​
To learn more about how to support your clients through these conversations, join my FREE TRAINING ​for Women Professionals… ​3 Life-Transforming Ways To Support Your Clients Post #MeToo

#NowWhat – The Crossroads of the #MeToo Movement

Since the rise of the #MeToo movement, we find ourselves at a crossroads and what YOU choose will impact the outcome.

Find out why YOUR Sexual Sovereignty is crucial in changing the world.

Your Story Matters. Your Voice Matters. You Matter.

Join our growing movement: www.TheDaringProject.com

Is Female Empowerment Hurting Women?

We live in a culture that reveres our wounds, where we hand out victim badges as though these claims hold the key to our wholeness.

In fact, when it comes to women and transforming the challenges we face, there exists a full range of approaches, techniques, modalities and ideals with the intention of ‘female empowerment’.

Each one more powerful than the next.

Or are they?

PROBLEM:

Having been part of this industry for 2 decades, I’ve observed that for the most part, professionals are doing more harm than good.

While we argue amongst each other as to which modality is superior and more effective and work on our theories and ideals, we fail to bridge our wisdom to the living experience of real women who are facing a large variety of challenges.

I’ve come to see that all of our theories and techniques are fundamentally based in the principle called the ‘functional model’. This means that in order to get to “this” result, we must do “that”. We treat ourselves and others from a mechanical perspective, and yes, this also inclusive of philosophies and psychological methods.

And is especially true when it comes to inspiring women to heal, claim and live their sexual sovereignty.

Sexuality and sensuality are still very much discussed through the functional lens.

Recently, when I spoke with my colleague Dr. Wickman at AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Councilors, and Therapists), I was honored to sit in many presentations. As much as I loved the theories and methodologies, something became screamingly clear:

We’ve all forgotten that women (people) have an erotic intelligence.

This forgetfulness is harmful because it means that we are overriding this ErQ through the ideals and techniques we use in the spirit of empowerment.

Yet by forgetting this foundational principle, we do more harm than good.

We continue to propagate the idea that women are broken and need to be fixed.

That somehow if women only received X therapy or did Y technique, they would be cured forever.

But we could not be further from the truth.

SOLUTION:

Women are powerful and innately intelligent.

They are not broken, no matter what they have faced, and therefore, never need to be fixed.

As professionals, we don’t actually have all the answers, women do. Their bodies know.

Our sole job is to embody what we wish to impart to others and to remind women of their inborn intelligence.

It’s this embodied presence that has the most profound transformation—limbic reimprinting is a very real and powerful part of holding space for another’s journey into wholeness.

If we are truly dedicated to women and their sovereignty, then we must learn how to incorporate respect of women’s ErQ and to trust it and help women connect with, no matter how far away they believe themselves to be from living shameless, integrated, and fulfilling lives.

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